A: There are several prostate toys that we would recommend for beginners. The first is the Dr. Joel Kaplan ® Silicone Prostate Locater™. It’s a nice beginner toy to help you locate and stimulate your prostate. Next is the Apollo™ Universal Prostate Probe. It is a pliable, durable, and virtually seamless prostate probe that has an easy pull handle. If you want to explore one that comes with the ability to vibrate, try the embrace™ – beaded probe. This is also pliable and durable with an easy pull handle, but also has 7 powerful functions of vibration, pulsation and escalation.
We also suggest this website for beginners: The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. It provides lots of great and useful information.
Hope that helps!
Full Question: I am 24, and only have started exploring vaginal penetration a few month ago. I wanted to wait till I was in love. Now I have a boyfriend, and I am eager to enjoy penetrative sex with him, but I am having issues; at first it was impossible to penetrate, but I purchased a set of dilators and they have helped to make it possible to penetrate, although it is still challenging. How deep I can insert dilators or my partners penis varies. Thrusting is unbearably painful (unless they’re small thrusts). I’m using various toys to try and get used to the penetration and thrusting.
– Am I having problems because I waited so long to explore my body?
– Do I have a tight pelvic floor? If so, should I use kegel ball exercises or should I avoid them?
– What else should I do to start enjoying penetrative sex?
I don’t think lubrication is an issue and I have not experienced any trauma
Thank you in advance!
Answer: We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. First, have you gone to your GYN doctor to make sure there is not a medical reason for the pain? If not, that is the first thing we suggest you do to rule out possible causes such as such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, vaginitis, vaginismus, etc.
Next, here are the answers to your questions:
1. The answer is no. It’s not because you’ve waited too long to long to explore your body. Exploring your body would help you learn what is pleasurable and learn more about your orgasmic response. It may not help you learn to relax your pelvic floor muscles which is what you are needing to do.
2. You may have a tight pelvic floor. This is something your doctor can rule out for you. If so, you want to stay away from using kegel balls or exercisers for now since they are used to help people tighten and strengthen their PC muscles. Again, you are wanting to learn to relax those muscles in order to allow penetrative sex.
3. You are already using dilators which can be very helpful. Just make sure you are using them with an appropriate guide or professional. Check out the Vaginal Dilator Guide for Patients: Part 1 by Tracy Sher. This guide offers how to appropriately use dilators as well as offering helpful ways to practice relaxing your PC muscles.
We also are wondering if your partner is penetrating too deeply for you. In other words, some women find it very painful when their partner’s penis hits their cervix. If that’s the case, then you may need to change sexual positions so that he doesn’t hit your cervix when he penetrates or he may need to create a “bumper”. This means he holds the base of his penis while he penetrates. Just a thought.
Lastly, make sure you are fully aroused prior to penetrative sex! We know you mentioned lubrication not being an issue. However, being fully aroused also helps relax the PC muscles to help facilitate penetration. This means even more foreplay and thinking sexy thoughts to help get yourself ready! We also suggest that you use plenty of sexual lubricant before and during intercourse. Any water-based lube will do. You can even do a daily vaginal massage with the sexual lubricant or moisturizers which can help maintain the elasticity of your genital skin and vagina.
If all of this does not help, then we suggest seeking out the help of a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist or Certified Sex Therapist in your area. You can find one in your area by checking out these websites: American Board of Sexology and AASECT.
Hope this helps!
Jo-Ann and Chuck
A: First of all, congratulations on getting married! We see many couples in the same situation. It’s important to know that all couples shift from the early, romantic stage of the relationship to a more companionate stage. Once the initial, romantic stage is over, sex becomes much more effortful. Even though you just got married, if you’ve been together a long time, this may be what has happened to you.
Another possible reason is work, family, obligations and other “have-tos” have gotten in the way. When this happens, at the end of the day, couples wind up without the energy to put into their bedroom lives. Our favorite quote sums it up: “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” If you want a healthy sex life in your relationship, then you need to more attention and focus into it. The first step is to make sex a priority in your relationship. Here are some tips to help you re-ignite your passion:
- Flirt – During your courtship, you would flirt all the time with your partner, but once you became a couple, that ended. Why? Just because the initial courtship is over doesn’t mean the romance or playfulness has to be over. Flirt with your lover. Leave a note on the pillow telling them you’ll miss them when you go to work. Make your partner feel wanted. If you know your partner is having a rough day, send them a flirty text. Sexting is perfectly legal and should be encouraged among adult couples. It may certainly help that insurance seminar go faster!
- Be Creative – One of the pitfalls of being an established couple is that you both get a sense of how to satisfy the other. That’s a good thing, but being slavish to those tactics can also make your bedroom play more routine. So, mix it up. Most people use the senses of sight and touch during sex, but you have five senses. Use them all. Scented candles, ambient music to drown out the neighbor watching the zombie movie marathon, flavored lotions or even something as simple as a new negligee can add enough spice to keep your bedroom play from becoming routine.
- In the Mood? – In caveman days, a common way for a man to advise a woman he was feeling amorous was to club her over the head and drag her to his cave. In our experience, that method hasn’t evolved as much as we would like. When you’re in the mood, try some new ways of initiating sex instead of just saying, “hey, you wanna?” If your partner has had a bad day, and you figure sex won’t be on the agenda for the evening, you can turn it around. Pamper your partner with a prepared meal, a soothing massage, and some alone time.
- Try Something New – When we’re kids, we would get all excited about birthdays and the holidays, because it usually meant new toys. Well, now that we’re adults, we can still have the same excitement, because they make toys for us grown-ups, too. Thank you CalExotics!! Take a trip to a local couples store or go to an online adult store and try a new toy!
- PLAY! – Remember that sex can and should be fun. It’s something you do together for each other’s enjoyment and fulfillment. It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom (though, laughing and pointing is a no-no!).
We hope this helps. Wishing you more passion in your relationship!
~ Chuck and Jo-Ann
A: Great question! First thing we always recommend is ruling out any medical reasons why this could be happening. For example, medication side effects can cause problems with achieving an orgasm. After ruling out any medical reasons, next question is can you have an orgasm through masturbation? It’s common for women to be able to achieve an orgasm through masturbation but not through vaginal intercourse or through stimulation by their partner. This makes sense since we know how to touch our body in ways that drive us wild. We know the right places, timing, pressure, sensation, etc. needed to reach an orgasm. However, our partners don’t have that same insight or feedback, thus they are often “in the dark”, so to speak.
Many women feel uncomfortable openly asserting their sexual needs and wants. However, this is critically important. You need to teach your partner how your body works and what it takes to reach an orgasm. Try physically showing your partner how you like to be touched and what you do when you masturbate. You can make this fun “education” part of foreplay since many men love to watch women masturbate. Or you can show him while you both are engaged in a sexual activity.
And remember, approximately 70% of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, even during penetrative intercourse! So, you can try using a toy or his or your hand to give you clitoral pleasure during intercourse. With this added stimulation, you may be able to reach orgasm during intercourse. Some women love both sensations.
There can be many other reasons why this could be happening. For example, some women have not really given themselves permission to receive pleasure and thus, they feel guilty when they do. Some women may feel an obligation or duty to have sex with their partner which makes having an orgasm difficult. Also, relationship conflicts or anger/resentment toward your partner can interfere with achieving an orgasm. Rushing into intercourse without taking the time to get fully aroused can be another reason. Being distracted by your thoughts or worrying about performance can create problems with achieving an orgasm. Taking medications such as antidepressants can inhibit the ability to have an orgasm. And lastly, feeling pressured to have an orgasm or “trying” too hard to achieve one can also create a problem.
So, as you can see there are many possible reasons why this could be happening. You may want to check out the book, Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo. This book provides a program designed to help women overcome the myriad obstacles to complete sexual satisfaction. If the problem persists after trying some of the things mentioned here, then we recommend consulting a sex therapist in your area. You can find a sex therapist at AASECT.org or The American Board of Sexology. Hope this helps!
A: There are many sexual positions you can have fun experimenting with, but to help you get started, here are a few positions have been known to hit the g-erogenous zone for many women:
- The Cowgirl – The man lies flat on his back while you straddle him with your knees on either side of his hips, leaning slightly back. This position allows you to find the right angle of your hips to hit this zone, plus control of the pace and depth of penetration.
- The Reverse Cowgirl – Just like the Cowgirl, except you swivel around and straddle him so now you’re facing his feet, leaning slightly forward.
- The Doggy Style (Rear-Entry) – While on all fours, simply lower your head face down, below the height of your pelvis. This tilts you pelvis upward and makes the g-erogenous zone more pronounced.
Again, these are just a few to help you get your “experimentation” started! Have fun!
A: This is a great question! Now, typically when someone reports having painful sex, the first thing we recommend is that they talk to their doctor to rule out other possible causes such as such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, vaginitis, vaginismus, etc. Fortunately, it sounds like you’ve already done this and have found out the source of the painful sex is related to menopause.
You are definitely not alone as this is very common after going through natural or even surgical menopause. The good news is, it’s treatable! The decline in estrogen production during this time can cause the vaginal tissue to thin and lose it’s normal moisture. This means you will have less vaginal lubrication and your vagina is less stretchable which can cause dryness, burning and even severe pain during penetration and intercourse. Some doctors recommend using a low dose vaginal estrogen cream or hormone replacement therapy to help. You can certainly talk to your doctor about these options.
The first thing we recommend is to moisturize your vagina and vulva tissue! You can use a daily vaginal cream or moisturizer (such as Replens or Luvena) to help maintain the moisture and flexibility of your vulva and vaginal tissues. They can be found over the counter at your local pharmacy. However, please note that these are not sexual lubricants and are not meant to be used during sexual penetration.
Next, for vaginal penetration, it’s really important to make sure you are fully aroused. Yes, this means even more foreplay and thinking sexy thoughts to help get yourself ready! We also suggest that you use plenty of sexual lubricant before and during intercourse. Any water-based lube will do! You can even do a daily vaginal massage with the sexual lubricant which can help maintain the elasticity of your genital skin and vagina.
In addition, we recommend doing daily Kegel exercises to strengthening your pelvic floor muscles. If all of this does not help, then we suggest talking to your doctor to see if vaginal dilators are appropriate. Check out one of the dilator sets we recommend here. Your doctor can give you a protocol on how to use them appropriately. Or you can seek out the help of a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist or Certified Sex Therapist in your area. They can help you with the fear/anxiety cycle that can develop as a result of painful sex and also guide you through the appropriate use of vaginal dilators, if deemed appropriate. You can find one in your area by checking out these websites: American Board of Sexology and AASECT. Hope this helps!
A: No, this simply is not true. It’s another myth out there just like the one that says frequent masturbation will make you go blind. Thank goodness we don’t hear about that one much anymore! Now, it is possible to experience some mild discomfort or even numbness of your clitoris right after using a vibrator (depending on the intensity of vibrations and length of time the vibrator is used) but this is very, very temporary. The use of vibrators cannot cause permanent desensitization of your clitoris or stop you from achieving orgasms from sexual intercourse.
You can become used to a certain technique, vibration, and intensity in order to achieve an orgasm which can make other ways seem more difficult. Or eventually, that one way can stop working. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong either. It just means you need to explore other ways to achieve an orgasm (manual stimulation, oral sex, sexual intercourse, etc.). And remember, not all women can achieve an orgasm through sexual intercourse alone.
So have fun and don’t be afraid to use your vibrators!
A: Yes, it is possible for her to get pregnant even if you pull out in time. Most men have some pre-cum or pre-ejaculate fluid that comes out before you ejaculate…and yes, it contains sperm! Believe it or not, pregnancy is even possible if this pre-ejaculate gets on the vulva. This is why it is so important to use condoms or some form of contraception every time you have intercourse, especially if you don’t want it to result in pregnancy. Hope this helps!
A: Research, research, and research! Some women do not like the same type of pornographic movies that men do. Today thankfully, there are so many different types of pornographic and erotic movies that you and your husband can explore. There are female-friendly pornographic movies that will hold your attention (with great plots!) as well as keep him interested.
So, our suggestion would be to research and explore different websites together to find the right type of movie for the both of you. Here is a list to help you get started:
Better Sex: http://www.bettersex.com/adult-movies/couples-adult-movies-c-301.aspx?l=tn_am
Candida Royalle: http://candidaroyalle.com/femme-catalogue/
Anna Span: http://www.pornmoviesforwomen.com/annaspan.html
Astrid Glitter: http://www.glitterfilms.com/main.php?b=about
You can also check out the Periodic Table of Feminist Porn to get a list of non-traditional feminist porn. Hope this helps!
A: Great question! Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. This can cause discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse. Check out our video below for more detailed information!