Q: Painful Sex Question
Full Question: I am 24, and only have started exploring vaginal penetration a few month ago. I wanted to wait till I was in love. Now I have a boyfriend, and I am eager to enjoy penetrative sex with him, but I am having issues; at first it was impossible to penetrate, but I purchased a set of dilators and they have helped to make it possible to penetrate, although it is still challenging. How deep I can insert dilators or my partners penis varies. Thrusting is unbearably painful (unless they’re small thrusts). I’m using various toys to try and get used to the penetration and thrusting.
– Am I having problems because I waited so long to explore my body?
– Do I have a tight pelvic floor? If so, should I use kegel ball exercises or should I avoid them?
– What else should I do to start enjoying penetrative sex?
I don’t think lubrication is an issue and I have not experienced any trauma
Thank you in advance!
Answer: We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. First, have you gone to your GYN doctor to make sure there is not a medical reason for the pain? If not, that is the first thing we suggest you do to rule out possible causes such as such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, vaginitis, vaginismus, etc.
Next, here are the answers to your questions:
1. The answer is no. It’s not because you’ve waited too long to long to explore your body. Exploring your body would help you learn what is pleasurable and learn more about your orgasmic response. It may not help you learn to relax your pelvic floor muscles which is what you are needing to do.
2. You may have a tight pelvic floor. This is something your doctor can rule out for you. If so, you want to stay away from using kegel balls or exercisers for now since they are used to help people tighten and strengthen their PC muscles. Again, you are wanting to learn to relax those muscles in order to allow penetrative sex.
3. You are already using dilators which can be very helpful. Just make sure you are using them with an appropriate guide or professional. Check out the Vaginal Dilator Guide for Patients: Part 1 by Tracy Sher. This guide offers how to appropriately use dilators as well as offering helpful ways to practice relaxing your PC muscles.
We also are wondering if your partner is penetrating too deeply for you. In other words, some women find it very painful when their partner’s penis hits their cervix. If that’s the case, then you may need to change sexual positions so that he doesn’t hit your cervix when he penetrates or he may need to create a “bumper”. This means he holds the base of his penis while he penetrates. Just a thought.
Lastly, make sure you are fully aroused prior to penetrative sex! We know you mentioned lubrication not being an issue. However, being fully aroused also helps relax the PC muscles to help facilitate penetration. This means even more foreplay and thinking sexy thoughts to help get yourself ready! We also suggest that you use plenty of sexual lubricant before and during intercourse. Any water-based lube will do. You can even do a daily vaginal massage with the sexual lubricant or moisturizers which can help maintain the elasticity of your genital skin and vagina.
If all of this does not help, then we suggest seeking out the help of a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist or Certified Sex Therapist in your area. You can find one in your area by checking out these websites: American Board of Sexology and AASECT.
Hope this helps!
Jo-Ann and Chuck
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