Q & A with Drs. Bird
A: We can definitely understand the anger and hurt you must be feeling as a result of your husband’s affair.An affair, emotionally or physically, is called an attachment injury, meaning it’s an injury to your emotional bond.So, it makes sense that you would not feel like being sexually intimate with your husband right now.However, we would recommend you work through that hurt and work toward repairing your bond together rather than continuing to withhold sex from your husband.Dealing directly with the issue(s) is a much better approach.
A: Watch this short video for the answer!
Q: What advice would you give a woman who can’t “turn off” her thoughts which are preventing her from enjoying sex?
A: We get this question quite often. Instead of trying to “turn off” her thoughts, we suggest she redirect and focus her thoughts on what she’s experiencing in the moment. To help her with this, she could begin to focus on the pleasurable physical sensations she is experiencing throughout her body. For example, she could focus on what she experiences when her partner touches her skin. And when her thoughts begin to drift away to other things, she would simply redirect her thoughts back to the sensations she is experiencing.
Focusing your mind on the present moment does take some practice outside of the bedroom. So, for instance, she could practice focusing on her breathing and what she experiences when she inhales and exhales. She could also try practicing being mindful in other activities in her life, such as when eating. Slowing down and really focusing on the smells, tastes, temperature and textures of the food she is eating…to truly enjoy the experience. Hope this helps!
Q: I can have an orgasm easily when I masturbate or when my husband performs oral sex on me but can’t during intercourse alone. What’s wrong with me?
A: There is nothing wrong with you! In fact, you’re not alone. Approximately 70% of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, even during penetrative intercourse! So, if you’re a clitoral girl in a clitoral world (sorry, had to go there!), try using a toy or his or your hand to give you clitoral pleasure during intercourse. With this added stimulation, you may be able to reach orgasm during intercourse. Some women love both sensations.
A: There are many possible reasons why you are having problems getting and keeping erections. It’s important to find out the cause of the problem so you can find the right solution. And there are many solutions! First, we suggest you talk to your doctor since there are a number of medical conditions that can cause erectile dysfunction (ED) such as diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and low testosterone (just to name a few). Also, your doctor can also make sure that this is not a signal of other health problems. For example, in a recent study, they found that ED may signal heart disease. You can read the article here. Also, certain medication side effects, smoking and excessive alcohol use can cause erectile dysfunction.
Once your doctor rules out any medical causes or health conditions, then we suggest you seek out a sex therapist. There are many psychological factors that can cause ED such as stress, worries, performance anxiety, depression and relationship issues. The bottom line: if you have problems getting or keeping an erection, see you doctor and a sex therapist, if needed. Hope this helps!
A: Premature ejaculation (PE), also called rapid or early ejaculation, is a very common male sexual dysfunction. It can happen with a new partner, in certain situations or if it’s been a while since your last ejaculation. Performance anxiety, guilt and depression can cause PE. Also, certain medical problems can cause PE such as hormonal issues and medication side effects. So, we first suggest you talk to your doctor to rule out any medical causes. If there are no medical issues, here are several techniques you can use to help:
- Stop – Start Technique: You start this technique by yourself by masturbating and bringing yourself close to your moment of ejaculatory inevitability (the sensations you experience just before you have an orgasm). Remember, if you pass this threshold, you are not able to delay your ejaculation. Once at that moment of inevitability, you stop and relax. Then, you start again. Once at that moment of inevitability, you stop and relax again. You continue this process of practicing getting yourself closer to orgasm and then stopping. Once you feel you have mastered this technique, you can use this technique with your partner.
- Squeeze Technique: Again, you start practicing this technique by yourself. Instead of simply stopping at the point of inevitability, you squeeze the base of your penis to reduce your erection and stop ejaculation. Once you practice and master this technique, you can use this technique with your partner.
- Kegel Exercises: These exercises help strengthen your PC muscles which can help control ejaculation. The PC muscle is the muscle that allows you to stop the flow of your urine when urinating. However, once you find your PC muscle, do not practice Kegel exercises when you are urinating. Kegel exercises consist of tightening and releasing the muscles repeatedly for 5-10 seconds for approximately 10-15 reps. You can contract your PC muscle when close to the moment of inevitability to slow delay ejaculation.
- SSRI Antidepressants: Some doctors are prescribing SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) to help men suffering from PE. SSRIs are a type of antidepressants such as Paxil and Zoloft. These drugs are used due to their side effects of inhibiting sexual arousal and delaying orgasm. You would need to talk to your doctor about this option.
Hope these help!
A: Problems and complications can start to happen if you restrict blood flow for hours at a time. Thus, we recommend limiting your use of a penis pump to between 20 and 30 minutes a session. Then promptly remove the pump and give your penis shaft time to recover before using the pump again. We suggest at least 60 minutes between sessions. After that, a good day of rest would be recommended. Your penis will thank you! Remember; never push yourself to the point of pain. If you start to have bruising or red dots on the penis or if you experience numbness, pain or feelings of trapped semen, then it’s time to stop usage. Hope that helps!
Q: I have just been told by my doctor that I have vaginismus. What exactly is this and what causes this?
A: We did a three part radio show interviewing our colleagues who are experts on this very topic. Check out the videos below for the answers.
A: Check out the video below for the answer!
A: Check out the video below for our answer!
A: Studies say a common sexually transmitted infection (STI) can. HPV (human papilloma virus) has increased the rates of throat cancer especially in men. Smoking and alcohol abuse used to be the most common risks to get throat cancer, but now HPV has joined the ranks of these two activities. However, there are precautions you can take such as using dental dams or condoms. They can keep oral sex both fun and safe!
For more information, click here.
A: Yes, it is safe to have sex during pregnancy unless you have a high risk pregnancy. If you have a high risk pregnancy, then you definitely need to talk with the doctor to see if it is safe to have sex. However, even with normal/healthy pregnancies, some people worry that the penis will bump or hit the baby. This will not happen! Remember, the baby is protected several ways. First, the baby is in a protected environment inside the amniotic sac and second, your cervix is blocked by a thick mucus plug that acts as a protective barrier. And don’t forget, you also have strong muscles of the uterus that also protect the baby. If you still have concerns, ask your doctor.
Q: Where is the G-Spot? Why can some women find their G-Spot, but I can’t? My partner says his past sexual partners found their G-spots and thinks there is something wrong with me?
A: The G-Spot is described as being a pleasure-producing area located approximately one to two inches on the top side of the vagina. It was named after a German gynecologist, Ernst Gräfenberg. Dr. Gräfenberg discovered this area in 1944 and referred to it as an erogenous zone. It became known as an actual spot (the G-Spot) in 1981, when Dr Addiego and his colleagues published an article in the Journal of Sex Research called Female Ejaculation: A Case Study.
Since then, it continues to be a huge debate in the field of sexology and sexual medicine. There are many experts that believe the G-spot is the female prostate and, when stimulated to orgasm, may lead to a discharge of fluid known as ‘female ejaculation’. Some experts believe it is a thinning area of the vaginal wall and that you are actually rubbing the wall of the urethra. Other experts believe the G-Spot is a myth and that it simply does not exist.
However, it’s important to remember, there’s no real evidence currently that the G-Spot exists in all women. Thus, many of us in the sexology field refer to it as an erogenous zone that some women find arousing when stimulated rather than an actual spot that exists in all women. So, when you think of it as an erogenous zone, some women will love it and find it extremely pleasurable, some will think it’s just okay and some will not like that zone stimulated at all. In fact, some women actually report feeling like they have to urinate instead of experiencing pleasure.
If you want to try to locate your G-Spot, lie on your back and relax. Spread your legs and bend your knees, so your vagina is open and accessible. With your palm facing up, insert two fingers into your vagina. You want to make a ‘beckoning’ movement and press your fingertips against the center of the upper vaginal wall. Continue to rub that area and if you have the right zone, you will immediately experience a desire to pee. This sensation should pass and soon, if this is a pleasurable erogenous zone for you, you will start to experience pleasure.
However, every women is different, thus it’s important to remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you can’t find your G-Spot or experience pleasure from it. Focus, instead on the erogenous zones that do provide you pleasure and have fun!
Q: Regarding masturbation, how often does one engage to where it is healthy? Does it differ for men and women?
A: Great questions! Masturbation is a normal and healthy activity for both men and women. Some men and women masturbate once a week, others masturbate several times a day. However, it becomes unhealthy if it is done compulsively to the point that it is causing you physical pain or it’s interfering with your daily activities. Meaning if you are masturbating compulsively instead of going to work or school, or if it’s interfering or causing significant problems in your relationships, then it’s unhealthy.
Does it dffer between men and women? It truly depends on the person’s sexual desire. Hope that helps!
A: No! As long as you are physically healthy, you can have sex at any age! Yes, our bodies change, due to the aging process, and there can be an increase of health conditions making sexual intercourse more difficult as we get older. However, sex and sexual intimacy comes in many forms. So, it’s about broadening your view of sex and exploring different ways of having sexual pleasure! Hope that helps!
Q: My wife and I have been together for 22 years. She expressed interest in being tied up. I’m not sure how to start. Any suggestions?
A: Getting tied up is a fun way to change it up in the bedroom. The first thing you need to do when using restraints is talk about the rules and boundaries. Being tied up can be fun but can also trigger uncomfortable feelings. Discuss what to do if someone is uncomfortable in the situation and develop a safe word. Then if your partner uses the safe word let them out of the restraints quickly.
Once the ground rules and boundaries are established you want to start off with basic types of restraints. These can include handcuffs with easy release button, Velcro control cuffs, or even silicone rope. These beginner type restraints allow for easy release. Please do not go to the local hardware store and buy just any type of rope or zip ties. These can be dangerous and could possibly injure your partner. The other caution is to use easy release knots. You do not want to be in an emergency situation and be unable to untie you partner.
There are many kits out there you can start with for example: The Nick Hawk Gigolo Tie Me Up & Tease Me Kit, Lover’s Super Strap Lover’s Restraint Kit, Dr. Laura Berman Mistress Kit and Nick Hawk Gigolo Locked Up & Lights Out Kit. Some of the kits also include blindfolds which can be used in conjunction with the restraints for that added excitement.
Hope this helps!
Q: After I have sex with my boyfriend I notice some itching on my skin where the sperm touched, can you be allergic to sperm?
A: Yes, women and men can be allergic to sperm. They are actually allergic to the proteins in the sperm. The symptoms can be redness, burning, swelling and itching on the area of the skin that has come in contact with the sperm. Often times the allergy is mistaken for an STD due to the sperm allergy being so rare. You can reduce the risk of coming in contact with the sperm by using a condom. If you suspect you have an allergy to sperm go to your doctor or an allergy doctor to get tested.
A: We all know that men are concerned with their penis size. So if we hear the term micro penis this brings up some scary thoughts. Many men judge the size of their penis because they are viewing it from above. This leads to men believing they have a smaller than normal penis, when actually they have a normal sized penis. The average erect penis size is 6 inches. Micropenis, also known as microphallus, is a penis that is 2.5 standard deviations below the mean (average) for the age and race of the person. In adults this works out to be smaller than 2.8 inches in length erect. Statistically, this only happens to 0.6% of the population.
The cause is thought to have to do with hormones especially with inadequate testosterone in the 2nd and 3rd trimester. If this condition is caught at birth then some treatments are possible. Testosterone treatment may be tried or surgical reconstruction with hormone treatment. These are just a couple of options.
Many times the question we get is, “Can someone with a micropenis have a normal sex life?” The answer is yes they can. Remember the definition of sex is wide and what may be satisfying for one person may not be satisfying for another. It boils down to what you and your partner define as satisfying sex.
Hope this helps!
A: This is a sexual practice that involves the female partner putting on a strap-on dildo and penetrating her male partner’s rectum. The man can get pleasure from the stimulation of his prostate gland. Many men like to masturbate or have their penis stimulated simultaneously as they are being penetrated. The woman can get stimulation from the pressure of the dildo on her clitoris or if it is a double ended dildo.
The practice of pegging can be used in different situations, for example it can be used in domination and submission arena. The woman may want to play the domination role this could be a great way to act it out. This could be for the everyday couple that wants to try something new in their sex life. It does not have to only be for the BDSM world.
The important thing to remember when introducing this idea of pegging into your sex life is to discuss this with your partner and not in the bedroom when you are having sex. Please no surprise attacks, this will completely shut things down. Begin by discussing each other’s fantasies and gently ease into the conversation.
Q: I have been trying to get my wife to squirt. Have not been successful. Have tried different positions. Any ideas?
A: First I would like to say that not all women can ejaculate. Female ejaculation is controversial at best and is often debated by Sexologists. However, so far, there is no research indicating that all women ejaculate. Here is a fascinating study done with couples having intercourse while inside an MRI machine. The MRI images “did not show a G-spot, or a separate reservoir of fluid indicating female ejaculation”.
Some doctors we work with say some women don’t ejaculate because their Skene’s glands are not as developed as women who can ejaculate. This is one theory. Saying that this is something all women should be experiencing may cause harm for those who never experience anything like this and feel there is something “wrong” with them.
Our suggestion would be to focus on erogenous zones that make you both feel good rather than focusing on an area that leaves you both with frustration. Hope this helps!
A: Great question! Some women experience feelings of loss or sadness, decreased interest in sex, and increased vaginal dryness, which can lead to pain during intercourse, after having a hysterectomy.
However, a 1999 study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, tracked the sexual function of more than 1,000 women between the ages of 35 and 49 who had had a hysterectomy. They found that some women in the study had a negative impact on their sex life following the hysterectomy, but the vast majority of women saw improvements! Specifically, the study found that the majority of the women’s sexual activity increased as did their orgasm frequency. They also found that the women’s orgasm strength improved and they reported decreased pain during sex.
While this study showed positive results, this is not an endorsement of having a hysterectomy as a form of sex therapy. Just wanted to share so women know the impact on their sex life may not be all negative.
If you do experience problems with sex after your operation, please don’t suffer in silence. There is help! Talk to your doctor or find help from Clinical Sexologist or Sex Therapist.
We would love to hear from women who have had a hysterectomy. What was the impact on your sexuality?
A: That’s a great question! In a recent survey, National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, conducted by Indiana University, approximately 30% of all women, ages 18 to 59, reported some difficulty with pain the last time that they had sex.
But why? Well, there can be many reasons why women experience pain during intercourse. Painful sex could be a sign of a medical issue such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, etc. It could also be due to a disorder called Vaginismus. Thus, it’s really important to talk to your doctor to rule out any medical causes for the pain you experience during intercourse.
Another reason could be that there is just not enough lubrication during intercourse. It’s really important to make sure you are really aroused (more foreplay!) and that you use plenty of lubricant. If the pain persists and you have ruled out a medical cause, don’t suffer in silence. Seek help from a Clinical Sexologist or Sex Therapist.
Hope that helps!
A: Great question! Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. This can cause discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse. Check out our video below for more detailed information!
Q: My husband wants me to watch porn with him. I’m ok doing that but I don’t like the movies that he likes to watch. What can we do?
A: Research, research, and research! Some women do not like the same type of pornographic movies that men do. Today thankfully, there are so many different types of pornographic and erotic movies that you and your husband can explore. There are female-friendly pornographic movies that will hold your attention (with great plots!) as well as keep him interested.
So, our suggestion would be to research and explore different websites together to find the right type of movie for the both of you. Here is a list to help you get started:
Better Sex: http://www.bettersex.com/adult-movies/couples-adult-movies-c-301.aspx?l=tn_am
Candida Royalle: http://candidaroyalle.com/femme-catalogue/
Anna Span: http://www.pornmoviesforwomen.com/annaspan.html
Astrid Glitter: http://www.glitterfilms.com/main.php?b=about
You can also check out the Periodic Table of Feminist Porn to get a list of non-traditional feminist porn. Hope this helps!
Q: I just had sex without using a condom, but I did pull out before coming. Can my girlfriend still get pregnant?
A: Yes, it is possible for her to get pregnant even if you pull out in time. Most men have some pre-cum or pre-ejaculate fluid that comes out before you ejaculate…and yes, it contains sperm! Believe it or not, pregnancy is even possible if this pre-ejaculate gets on the vulva. This is why it is so important to use condoms or some form of contraception every time you have intercourse, especially if you don’t want it to result in pregnancy. Hope this helps!
Q: I’ve recently heard that using a vibrator can cause the clitoris to become desensitized and that a woman who uses one a lot will not be able to achieve an orgasm through sexual intercourse. Is that true?
A: No, this simply is not true. It’s another myth out there just like the one that says frequent masturbation will make you go blind. Thank goodness we don’t hear about that one much anymore! Now, it is possible to experience some mild discomfort or even numbness of your clitoris right after using a vibrator (depending on the intensity of vibrations and length of time the vibrator is used) but this is very, very temporary. The use of vibrators cannot cause permanent desensitization of your clitoris or stop you from achieving orgasms from sexual intercourse.
You can become used to a certain technique, vibration, and intensity in order to achieve an orgasm which can make other ways seem more difficult. Or eventually, that one way can stop working. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong either. It just means you need to explore other ways to achieve an orgasm (manual stimulation, oral sex, sexual intercourse, etc.). And remember, not all women can achieve an orgasm through sexual intercourse alone.
So have fun and don’t be afraid to use your vibrators!
Q: I’m writing because since menopause I’ve had a lot of pain and dryness so bad I can’t have intercourse but the doc says I can slowly stretch it out again. Do you have any products that you can recommend for these 2 problems. It’s so dry and painful. I did notice that its better when it’s really hard but then it gets to a point and it’s like there is a road block of pain if it tries to go any further. Any ideas?
A: This is a great question! Now, typically when someone reports having painful sex, the first thing we recommend is that they talk to their doctor to rule out other possible causes such as such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, vaginitis, vaginismus, etc. Fortunately, it sounds like you’ve already done this and have found out the source of the painful sex is related to menopause.
You are definitely not alone as this is very common after going through natural or even surgical menopause. The good news is, it’s treatable! The decline in estrogen production during this time can cause the vaginal tissue to thin and lose it’s normal moisture. This means you will have less vaginal lubrication and your vagina is less stretchable which can cause dryness, burning and even severe pain during penetration and intercourse. Some doctors recommend using a low dose vaginal estrogen cream or hormone replacement therapy to help. You can certainly talk to your doctor about these options.
The first thing we recommend is to moisturize your vagina and vulva tissue! You can use a daily vaginal cream or moisturizer (such as Replens or Luvena) to help maintain the moisture and flexibility of your vulva and vaginal tissues. They can be found over the counter at your local pharmacy. However, please note that these are not sexual lubricants and are not meant to be used during sexual penetration.
Next, for vaginal penetration, it’s really important to make sure you are fully aroused. Yes, this means even more foreplay and thinking sexy thoughts to help get yourself ready! We also suggest that you use plenty of sexual lubricant before and during intercourse. Any water-based lube will do! You can even do a daily vaginal massage with the sexual lubricant which can help maintain the elasticity of your genital skin and vagina.
In addition, we recommend doing daily Kegel exercises to strengthening your pelvic floor muscles. If all of this does not help, then we suggest talking to your doctor to see if vaginal dilators are appropriate. Check out one of the dilator sets we recommend here. Your doctor can give you a protocol on how to use them appropriately. Or you can seek out the help of a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist or Certified Sex Therapist in your area. They can help you with the fear/anxiety cycle that can develop as a result of painful sex and also guide you through the appropriate use of vaginal dilators, if deemed appropriate. You can find one in your area by checking out these websites: American Board of Sexology and AASECT. Hope this helps!
A: There are many sexual positions you can have fun experimenting with, but to help you get started, here are a few positions have been known to hit the g-erogenous zone for many women:
- The Cowgirl – The man lies flat on his back while you straddle him with your knees on either side of his hips, leaning slightly back. This position allows you to find the right angle of your hips to hit this zone, plus control of the pace and depth of penetration.
- The Reverse Cowgirl – Just like the Cowgirl, except you swivel around and straddle him so now you’re facing his feet, leaning slightly forward.
- The Doggy Style (Rear-Entry) – While on all fours, simply lower your head face down, below the height of your pelvis. This tilts you pelvis upward and makes the g-erogenous zone more pronounced.
Again, these are just a few to help you get your “experimentation” started! Have fun!
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. Every time we have sex I can’t climax. Is it physical or mental? PLEASE HELP.
A: Great question! First thing we always recommend is ruling out any medical reasons why this could be happening. For example, medication side effects can cause problems with achieving an orgasm. After ruling out any medical reasons, next question is can you have an orgasm through masturbation? It’s common for women to be able to achieve an orgasm through masturbation but not through vaginal intercourse or through stimulation by their partner. This makes sense since we know how to touch our body in ways that drive us wild. We know the right places, timing, pressure, sensation, etc. needed to reach an orgasm. However, our partners don’t have that same insight or feedback, thus they are often “in the dark”, so to speak.
Many women feel uncomfortable openly asserting their sexual needs and wants. However, this is critically important. You need to teach your partner how your body works and what it takes to reach an orgasm. Try physically showing your partner how you like to be touched and what you do when you masturbate. You can make this fun “education” part of foreplay since many men love to watch women masturbate. Or you can show him while you both are engaged in a sexual activity.
And remember, approximately 70% of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, even during penetrative intercourse! So, you can try using a toy or his or your hand to give you clitoral pleasure during intercourse. With this added stimulation, you may be able to reach orgasm during intercourse. Some women love both sensations.
There can be many other reasons why this could be happening. For example, some women have not really given themselves permission to receive pleasure and thus, they feel guilty when they do. Some women may feel an obligation or duty to have sex with their partner which makes having an orgasm difficult. Also, relationship conflicts or anger/resentment toward your partner can interfere with achieving an orgasm. Rushing into intercourse without taking the time to get fully aroused can be another reason. Being distracted by your thoughts or worrying about performance can create problems with achieving an orgasm. Taking medications such as antidepressants can inhibit the ability to have an orgasm. And lastly, feeling pressured to have an orgasm or “trying” too hard to achieve one can also create a problem.
So, as you can see there are many possible reasons why this could be happening. You may want to check out the book, Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo. This book provides a program designed to help women overcome the myriad obstacles to complete sexual satisfaction. If the problem persists after trying some of the things mentioned here, then we recommend consulting a sex therapist in your area. You can find a sex therapist at AASECT.org or The American Board of Sexology. Hope this helps!
Q: I just recently got married to my best friend. We have always had a healthy sex drive, but after the wedding things have gotten stale. Is this normal? It is on both our parts, not just one of us. I feel like something is wrong, isn’t this supposed to be the honey moon stage?
A: First of all, congratulations on getting married! We see many couples in the same situation. It’s important to know that all couples shift from the early, romantic stage of the relationship to a more companionate stage. Once the initial, romantic stage is over, sex becomes much more effortful. Even though you just got married, if you’ve been together a long time, this may be what has happened to you.
Another possible reason is work, family, obligations and other “have-tos” have gotten in the way. When this happens, at the end of the day, couples wind up without the energy to put into their bedroom lives. Our favorite quote sums it up: “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” If you want a healthy sex life in your relationship, then you need to more attention and focus into it. The first step is to make sex a priority in your relationship. Here are some tips to help you re-ignite your passion:
- Flirt – During your courtship, you would flirt all the time with your partner, but once you became a couple, that ended. Why? Just because the initial courtship is over doesn’t mean the romance or playfulness has to be over. Flirt with your lover. Leave a note on the pillow telling them you’ll miss them when you go to work. Make your partner feel wanted. If you know your partner is having a rough day, send them a flirty text. Sexting is perfectly legal and should be encouraged among adult couples. It may certainly help that insurance seminar go faster!
- Be Creative – One of the pitfalls of being an established couple is that you both get a sense of how to satisfy the other. That’s a good thing, but being slavish to those tactics can also make your bedroom play more routine. So, mix it up. Most people use the senses of sight and touch during sex, but you have five senses. Use them all. Scented candles, ambient music to drown out the neighbor watching the zombie movie marathon, flavored lotions or even something as simple as a new negligee can add enough spice to keep your bedroom play from becoming routine.
- In the Mood? – In caveman days, a common way for a man to advise a woman he was feeling amorous was to club her over the head and drag her to his cave. In our experience, that method hasn’t evolved as much as we would like. When you’re in the mood, try some new ways of initiating sex instead of just saying, “hey, you wanna?” If your partner has had a bad day, and you figure sex won’t be on the agenda for the evening, you can turn it around. Pamper your partner with a prepared meal, a soothing massage, and some alone time.
- Try Something New – When we’re kids, we would get all excited about birthdays and the holidays, because it usually meant new toys. Well, now that we’re adults, we can still have the same excitement, because they make toys for us grown-ups, too. Thank you CalExotics!! Take a trip to a local couples store or go to an online adult store and try a new toy!
- PLAY! – Remember that sex can and should be fun. It’s something you do together for each other’s enjoyment and fulfillment. It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom (though, laughing and pointing is a no-no!).
We hope this helps. Wishing you more passion in your relationship!
~ Chuck and Jo-Ann
Full Question: I am 24, and only have started exploring vaginal penetration a few month ago. I wanted to wait till I was in love. Now I have a boyfriend, and I am eager to enjoy penetrative sex with him, but I am having issues; at first it was impossible to penetrate, but I purchased a set of dilators and they have helped to make it possible to penetrate, although it is still challenging. How deep I can insert dilators or my partners penis varies. Thrusting is unbearably painful (unless they’re small thrusts). I’m using various toys to try and get used to the penetration and thrusting.
– Am I having problems because I waited so long to explore my body?
– Do I have a tight pelvic floor? If so, should I use kegel ball exercises or should I avoid them?
– What else should I do to start enjoying penetrative sex?
I don’t think lubrication is an issue and I have not experienced any trauma
Thank you in advance!
Answer: We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. First, have you gone to your GYN doctor to make sure there is not a medical reason for the pain? If not, that is the first thing we suggest you do to rule out possible causes such as such as infections, endometriosis, a partially intact hymen, vaginitis, vaginismus, etc.
Next, here are the answers to your questions:
1. The answer is no. It’s not because you’ve waited too long to long to explore your body. Exploring your body would help you learn what is pleasurable and learn more about your orgasmic response. It may not help you learn to relax your pelvic floor muscles which is what you are needing to do.
2. You may have a tight pelvic floor. This is something your doctor can rule out for you. If so, you want to stay away from using kegel balls or exercisers for now since they are used to help people tighten and strengthen their PC muscles. Again, you are wanting to learn to relax those muscles in order to allow penetrative sex.
3. You are already using dilators which can be very helpful. Just make sure you are using them with an appropriate guide or professional. Check out the Vaginal Dilator Guide for Patients: Part 1 by Tracy Sher. This guide offers how to appropriately use dilators as well as offering helpful ways to practice relaxing your PC muscles.
We also are wondering if your partner is penetrating too deeply for you. In other words, some women find it very painful when their partner’s penis hits their cervix. If that’s the case, then you may need to change sexual positions so that he doesn’t hit your cervix when he penetrates or he may need to create a “bumper”. This means he holds the base of his penis while he penetrates. Just a thought.
Lastly, make sure you are fully aroused prior to penetrative sex! We know you mentioned lubrication not being an issue. However, being fully aroused also helps relax the PC muscles to help facilitate penetration. This means even more foreplay and thinking sexy thoughts to help get yourself ready! We also suggest that you use plenty of sexual lubricant before and during intercourse. Any water-based lube will do. You can even do a daily vaginal massage with the sexual lubricant or moisturizers which can help maintain the elasticity of your genital skin and vagina.
If all of this does not help, then we suggest seeking out the help of a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist or Certified Sex Therapist in your area. You can find one in your area by checking out these websites: American Board of Sexology and AASECT.
Hope this helps!
Jo-Ann and Chuck
Q: I am a pretty inexperienced guy that is wanting to try some type of prostate toy for the first time. I have read and heard that it is a great orgasm but have know clue what type of toy to start with. I am on a smaller budget so I don’t want to spend a lot of money but want to invest in something that will work well and be comfortable (or as comfortable as possible at first). Thanks for your help.
A: There are several prostate toys that we would recommend for beginners. The first is the Dr. Joel Kaplan ® Silicone Prostate Locater™. It’s a nice beginner toy to help you locate and stimulate your prostate. Next is the Apollo™ Universal Prostate Probe. It is a pliable, durable, and virtually seamless prostate probe that has an easy pull handle. If you want to explore one that comes with the ability to vibrate, try the embrace™ – beaded probe. This is also pliable and durable with an easy pull handle, but also has 7 powerful functions of vibration, pulsation and escalation.
We also suggest this website for beginners: The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. It provides lots of great and useful information.
Hope that helps!