Active listening can be very challenging at times for couples, especially during heated arguments. In the previous post, we focused on the steps to help you be an effective speaker. Now, we offer 7 steps to help you listen more effectively:
The Listener:
1.Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. So, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important. More often than not, you’ll find you’re both saying the same things, just in different ways.
2.Remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you. Don’t invalidate their feelings by telling them they have no reason to feel that way. The fact that they feel a certain way is enough for it to be valid.
3.Disarm Instead of Defend. Instead of reacting defensively, find some truth in what your partner is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
4.Show empathy. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes. Paraphrase your partner’s words. Acknowledge how your partner is probably feeling, based on what she or he said. Remember, understanding your partner’s perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part. You just want to make sure you have it straight.
5.Ask questions. Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue or concern.
6.”I Feel” Statements. Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use “I feel” statements, such as “I feel upset,” rather than “you” statements, such as “You’re wrong!” or “You’re making me furious!”
7.Convey Respect. Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle.
Remember, we have two hears and only one mouth. This reminds us that we need to be listening more than we speak during discussions with our partner or anyone we are communicating with! We hope these help!
Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it?
The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. This month, we thought we would share some healthy communication tips. We are starting with the role of the speaker, so stay tuned…the listener skills will be next!
The Speaker:
1. Is now a good time? First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, if your partner just finished a 12 hour shift at work, it’s probably not the best time for a serious chat. Just because something is eating at you does not mean your partner is up for discussing it at that very minute. That doesn’t mean you should wait until your partner takes a day off from work to talk. Just let your partner settle in a bit and let them know you have something you want to talk about.
2. Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope. When you start bringing up issues from the past, especially if they had been resolved, you’re not working toward solving the problem. You’re working toward trying to be right. You have to ask yourself whether it is more important for you to be right or to solve the problem. Most of the time, these are two different experiences.
3. If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person. After all, if your partner was so bad, why are you together?
4. Concisely describe the event. Use the video camera check and avoid assumptions and your perceptions. A video camera only picks up behaviors and words…not assumptions. For example, say “When I saw your dirty socks on the floor this morning…”; instead of “You lazy SOB! You left your socks on the floor again? I know you are doing it on purpose just to piss me off!”
5. Use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt ______ when you said or did________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!” No one “makes” you angry. You make a choice if your partner does X, you’re going to be angry. And being angry never solves anything. Ditch the anger and get to the heart of the disagreement instead.
6. Make a request for change, not a demand. For example, say “You know I have an issue with people leaving dirty socks on the floor, so could you please work on remembering to put them in the laundry basket instead?”
Remember, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can lead to solving the issue instead of escalating it to become a bigger one!
While we understand there are various approaches to parenting, we believe there are certain things that children need not know about their parents.
As children grow into young adulthood, and they begin to develop a frame of reference for the birds and the bees, most all of them struggle with the idea that for them to be alive that their parents had to do that! If that concept is difficult to handle, then imagine the awkwardness of the kids discovering that their parents might be interested in some bedroom practices that aren’t exactly Vanilla-flavored, but more like Rocky Road.
As the best-selling book 50 Shades of Grey has become a national sensation, engaging some couples in some of their darker romantic fantasies, those who are “Married with Children” face several challenges. First, how do they approach some of these new ideas in a safe, sane and consensual fashion? Second, how can they do it while still being true to their roles as responsible parents?
Here are some tips on how to handle both questions:
- Separate Fiction from Fact — Many of the practices revealed in 50 Shades of Grey may seem captivating in the context of a fictional story, but can be downright dangerous to couples who want to explore them. They involve core relationship issues such as trust, comfort, security and consent, so it’s really not a good idea to use a work of fiction as your guide. Adult Web sites with explicit videos also may not be a good resource, as most of them were not created to educate, but rather, to excite. Books and articles by experts and scholars on the subjects covered in 50 Shades are the best places to start. Read up on the realities of those fantasies before you begin to experiment with your partner.
- Talk — Communication is the cliche of the counseling profession. We always advise our patients to communicate openly, but if it were that easy an instruction to follow, we probably wouldn’t have a practice at all. It’s not enough to be able to talk openly — you have to be able to listen without judgment. Upon hearing your partner express an interest in something that’s out of your comfort zone, it’s generally not good to react with, “That’s insane! You’re a freak!” It’s probably better to say something along the lines of, “I appreciate the attraction you have to that idea, but it’s probably out of my comfort zone to actually try.” You communicate the same idea, but without punishing your partner for speaking the truth. If you react judgmentally when your partner is opening up to you, all you are really doing is conditioning your partner to close up and keep things from you. Lying is a bad practice in relationships, but sometimes we must remember that our partners learn how to lie to us because we train them to do just that by punishing them whenever they speak a truth that is unpleasant to us.
- Proceed Slowly — Exploring fantasies can be a wonderful time for couples, but remember that you are exploring. If you were exploring a cave or scuba diving in unfamiliar territory, that’s also exploring. In those circumstances, you tend to proceed cautiously, for fear of unknown dangers you may face. Exploring fantasies should be treated the same way. It is better to leave each other wanting more than overdoing it right out of the gate and causing an abrupt end to your exploration.
As for the kids, here are some ideas to help you navigate that touchy terrain at home:
- Privacy — If you’re like most parents, there are times when the kids are home alone. If you don’t think that they don’t sometimes take the opportunity to look in places you think are private, you’re likely to be disappointed. First, protect your computer. Most browsers have an option called “private browsing.” This function does not track the sites you visit, and leaves your history list blank. Use it regularly, and you’ll never have to worry about your kids finding that article about more adult topics on your computer. Also, in case you order some instructional books from Amazon or maybe some sexy ensembles from an online lingerie site, don’t have them delivered to your home. Establish a mailbox at the post office or the UPS store for those deliveries. For a few extra bucks a month, you can be assured that packages intended only for you and your spouse are only handled by you and your spouse.
- The Closed Door — For those non-traditional practices that don’t involve a lot of noise that can be heard through closed doors, enact a closed-door policy in your home. Agree with your kids that you will always knock on their door before entering their bedrooms as long as they always knock on yours first, as well. Locking your door enhances your privacy, but respect for their privacy will result in a higher road — they will respect your privacy, as well.
- Alone Time — Kids love the movies, and they love going to the movies without Mom and Dad along, so indulge them. Heck, send them to a double feature. Allow them to have friends as overnight guests on occasion so that you can also benefit from them spending overnights with their friends on occasion, as well. All of these tactics can ensure you getting the house to yourselves from time to time without making your kids feeling like you’re just conspiring to get them out so you can be alone.
Follow these guidelines, and you should be able to walk the delicate line of being responsible to your family and adventurous with each other, and enjoy the benefits of both.
Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.
But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it? The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.
That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation.
To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis, however, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:
- First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.
- Be clear and state what you want.
- Focus your request on behavior changes.
- Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.
- Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.
- Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.
- Honor the agreement.
Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:
Not using negotiation:
Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”
Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”
Using basic negotiation:
Husband: ” I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”
Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”
Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?
Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”
The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.
All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can leading to solving the dispute instead of escalating it to become a bigger one.
If you think you’d like to learn more about these kinds of communication skills, please contact us and we can “negotiate” a consultation.
We all know at least one couple who make us sick. Usually, they’ve been together since Michael J. Fox was a child actor and act like they are still on their honeymoon. They holds hands, make the goo-goo eyes at each other and act so sweet to each other that it makes the rest of us reach for the insulin.
But we’ll tell you a secret about them that you may not know. From time to time, they’ll argue. All couples have disagreements, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise. We’re all individuals, and we all have our own opinions and every so often, we’ll disagree on something. It’s a mathematical inevitability. However, not all disagreements have to turn into fights. If you know how to argue in the right manner, there is no reason why disagreements can’t be positive things for your relationship in the long run.
But how do you do it? Well, first, you have to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy communication. Most people proceed from false assumptions on this front, so let’s get a few things straight. Here’s a list of all the bad assumptions we hear from our clients about their perceptions on communication:
- Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
- My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen to me.
- Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen better, which will then help them understand and agree with me.
- Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen, which will then help them understand and agree with me.
- It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.
- The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.
Any of these sound familiar? If they do, read on. It’s time to unlearn what you know and start approaching communication from a different perspective.
Let’s start here:
- First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, if your partner just finished a 12 hour shift at work, it’s probably not the best time for a serious chat. Just because something is eating at you does not mean your partner is up for discussing it at that very minute. That doesn’t mean you should wait until your partner takes a day off from work to talk. Just let your partner settle in a bit and let them know you have something you want to talk about.
- Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope. When you start bringing up issues from the past, especially if they had been resolved, you’re not working toward solving the problem. You’re working toward trying to be right. You have to ask yourself whether it is more important for you to be right or to solve the problem. Most of the time, these are two different experiences.
- When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt ______ when you said or did________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!” No one “makes” you angry. You make a choice if your partner does X, you’re going to be angry. And being angry never solves anything. Ditch the anger and get to the heart of the disagreement instead.
- If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person. After all, if your partner was so bad, why are you together?
- Make requests for change, not demands.
- Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
- Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. So, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important. More often than not, you’ll find you’re both saying the same things, just in different ways.
- When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you. Don’t invalidate their feelings by telling them they have no reason to feel that way. The fact that they feel a certain way is enough for it to be valid.
- Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue or concern.
- Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part. You just want to make sure you have it straight.
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, where you want to go for dinner, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember, practice makes perfect, and helps you form good communication habits. If you communicate in a positive fashion all the time, disagreements will be much easier to handle.