Active listening can be very challenging at times for couples, especially during heated arguments. In the previous post, we focused on the steps to help you be an effective speaker. Now, we offer 7 steps to help you listen more effectively:
The Listener:
1.Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. So, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important. More often than not, you’ll find you’re both saying the same things, just in different ways.
2.Remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you. Don’t invalidate their feelings by telling them they have no reason to feel that way. The fact that they feel a certain way is enough for it to be valid.
3.Disarm Instead of Defend. Instead of reacting defensively, find some truth in what your partner is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
4.Show empathy. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes. Paraphrase your partner’s words. Acknowledge how your partner is probably feeling, based on what she or he said. Remember, understanding your partner’s perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part. You just want to make sure you have it straight.
5.Ask questions. Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue or concern.
6.”I Feel” Statements. Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use “I feel” statements, such as “I feel upset,” rather than “you” statements, such as “You’re wrong!” or “You’re making me furious!”
7.Convey Respect. Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle.
Remember, we have two hears and only one mouth. This reminds us that we need to be listening more than we speak during discussions with our partner or anyone we are communicating with! We hope these help!
Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it?
The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. This month, we thought we would share some healthy communication tips. We are starting with the role of the speaker, so stay tuned…the listener skills will be next!
The Speaker:
1. Is now a good time? First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, if your partner just finished a 12 hour shift at work, it’s probably not the best time for a serious chat. Just because something is eating at you does not mean your partner is up for discussing it at that very minute. That doesn’t mean you should wait until your partner takes a day off from work to talk. Just let your partner settle in a bit and let them know you have something you want to talk about.
2. Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope. When you start bringing up issues from the past, especially if they had been resolved, you’re not working toward solving the problem. You’re working toward trying to be right. You have to ask yourself whether it is more important for you to be right or to solve the problem. Most of the time, these are two different experiences.
3. If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person. After all, if your partner was so bad, why are you together?
4. Concisely describe the event. Use the video camera check and avoid assumptions and your perceptions. A video camera only picks up behaviors and words…not assumptions. For example, say “When I saw your dirty socks on the floor this morning…”; instead of “You lazy SOB! You left your socks on the floor again? I know you are doing it on purpose just to piss me off!”
5. Use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt ______ when you said or did________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!” No one “makes” you angry. You make a choice if your partner does X, you’re going to be angry. And being angry never solves anything. Ditch the anger and get to the heart of the disagreement instead.
6. Make a request for change, not a demand. For example, say “You know I have an issue with people leaving dirty socks on the floor, so could you please work on remembering to put them in the laundry basket instead?”
Remember, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can lead to solving the issue instead of escalating it to become a bigger one!
Kissing is incredibly important for couples. And unfortunately, it’s the first thing that dwindles in long-term relationships. When couples stop kissing, it can be the first step to losing passion in their relationship. Well, this Wednesday, July 6th, is International Kissing Day. Although we think is important to kiss every day, we thought we would share some kissing tips in honor of this special day!
Kissing facts:
● Great kissing is good for you and your relationship! Kissing releases endorphins and oxytocin which leads to feelings of overall happiness and helps you feel more bonded and connected to your partner. Also, decreases cortisol which is the stress hormone!
● Kissing dos and don’ts are very subjective. Thus, explore your likes with your partner!
● A kiss is great all by itself! Kissing does not have to be a stepping stone to something else like intercourse.
● For many people, kissing is more intimate than intercourse!
So, what makes a “good/bad” kiss? Well, this is very subjective. However, here is what we gathered from our experiences and our work with couples:
“Bad” kisses:
● Trying too hard to be perfect at kissing
● Being too stiff and/or too eager
● Kissing too hard
● Having too much tongue / jamming it down partner’s throats
● Having chap lips
● Too much slobber – too much saliva (your partner should not feel like they are drowning!)
● Biting too much or too hard (again…very subjective)
● Bad breath and/or body odor
● Too much lipstick
● Staring at your partner while kissing
“Good” kisses:
● Conveying your feelings about your partner through the kiss
● Being relaxed and natural
● Thinking about your partner and what they like. Let them lead some of the kissing!
● Good hygiene and breath. Carry breath mints!
● Starting off with closed lips and slowly adding some tongue.
● Soft and smooth lips
● Opening your eyes only for a few seconds
● Using your hands too! Soft and affectionate touches on your partner’s face is nice. Or try placing your hand at the back of your partner’s neck.
● Slowing down and enjoying!
First kiss tips:
● Pick your moment and look for the proper setting
● Watch for positive body language
● Don’t ask for a kiss
● Be relaxed and natural
● Keep your tongue to yourself at first. Use the tip of your tongue to play with your partner’s tongue.
● Let your partner lead some too. Remember, you’re learning what they like too!
● Slow down and take your time
● And Enjoy!
Kissing tips for couples in long-term relationships:
● Make it a priority – make a point to kiss every day (longer than a quick peck, please)! Try kissing for more than 10-15 seconds!
● Have make out sessions!
● Please remember, a kiss is great all by itself. Kissing does not have to be a stepping stone to something else. Simply enjoy kissing!
We get this question almost daily from couples we see in our sex therapy practice. Couples want to know if what they are doing is “normal”. Check out this recent article in the New York Post: How Many Times You Should Be Having Sex Each Week. It states, according to studies, happy couples have sex 3-4 times a week.
Every couple is different and there are many variables that can impact how often couples have sex. We agree with Couples Psychotherapist and Certified Sex Therapist, Sari Cooper:
Some couples have uneven sexual desire: one partner wants sex more often and the other less often. And believe it or not, there are some happy couples out there who are in sexless marriages which means they are having sex less than 10 times a year. But the amount of sex (or lack of sex) they are having works for them. That’s their normal.
Thus, the bottom line is couples need to talk about how often they want to have sex and negiotate what’s “normal” for them.
Having date nights when you’re married is really important. We have been married for 16 years now and we still make it a priority to spend that much needed quality time together. Date nights give you the chance to focus on each other without other distractions. They help you have fun and enjoy each other while also keeping you emotionally connected. Below are just a few of our suggestions when it comes to dating when you’re married:
Do’s
- Do things you used to enjoy doing together. When you’ve been together a long time, it’s very easy to get stuck in routines. We sometimes forget the fun things we used to do. Try remembering back to your first dates. What did you do and where did you go? Try to incorporate those ideas into your dates now.
- Do “COURT” each other! We know this is an old term. Courting means to try to gain the love or affections or gain the favor of your partner by attention or flattery. When you were first dating, what were you trying to do? Hopefully, one of your goals was to get another date. Use this strategy because you want another date with your partner!
- Do talk to each other and update your love maps. A love map is the “part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about our partner’s life” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 48). For example, one piece of information you might know is your partner’s favorite flower. We learn these things about our partner over the years, but we sometimes assume this information never changes. However, what your partner liked 5, 10, or 20 years ago may not be the same today. Knowing and understanding each other is really important and helps you maintain your connection. So keep talking and sharing with each other so you can update each other’s love maps.
- Do new and novel things together. Pick something that you both would like, but have never done before. For example, it could be as wild as skydiving to as simple as taking a cooking class together. Remember, novelty creates positive energy and excitement!
- Do put away your cell phones. This is time for you to focus on each other! Enough said.
Don’ts
- Don’t go to the same restaurants and places you normally go. This can create a routine and can lead to you getting stuck in a rut.
- Don’t just go to the movies or watch TV. We don’t consider these date night activities. When you do these activities you are focused on the screen, not each other. Remember, close proximity does not equal quality time!
- Don’t talk about problems with work, the children or in your relationship on your date nights. Don’t get us wrong, these are very important things that you want to discuss…just not on date nights. Remember, you are trying to connect and have fun together!
- Don’t have to spend a lot of money. There are many things you can do for a date night that are free or cost little money. How about taking a bike ride, having a romantic picnic at a local park or watching the sunset together?
We hope these dating suggestions help. As always, wishing you deeper connection and passion in your relationship!
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York, New York: Three Rivers Press.
Many couples come to see us because their sex life has become very routine and they desperately want to find ways to spice things up in the bedroom. In addition to recommending sex toys and pleasure products, we also suggest they discuss and explore sexual fantasies and role playing. Unfortunately, this suggestion usually triggers the “deer in the headlight” type of stares or uncomfortable laughter. Often this response is due to the negative assumptions they have about sexual fantasies and role playing. And sometimes it’s due to a lack of information and not knowing where to start. We understand that for many people just the idea of sharing their sexual fantasies with their partner can evoke lots of fears and insecurities.
However, sexual fantasies and role playing can add more fun and playfulness in the bedroom as well as help you break out of your sexual rut. We know that talking about sex, let alone sexual fantasies, is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort. So to help you begin this process, we address some of the myths we’ve heard over the years about sexual fantasies and provide some steps to help you talk openly with your partner about sexual fantasies and role playing. We have also included some common sexual fantasies and role plays as well as offer some role playing safety tips.
Sexual Fantasy Myths:
• If you fantasize about something, you will want to make it happen in real life.
Research shows people fantasize about all kinds of things they would never do in real life. For example, some people fantasize about being forced to have sex or having a homosexual encounter, but would never actually want these scenarios to actually take place, even if the situations presented themselves. Sexual fantasies allow people to mentally experiment with out-of-character sexual behaviors without any guilt or risk of harm.
• Sharing our sexual fantasies with your partner is dangerous to your relationship.
Many couples enjoy sharing their sexual fantasies without any problems. However, it is important to first establish safety, rules and boundaries with your partner before sharing your sexual fantasies with each other. It’s also important to know what’s okay and not okay to share.
• Sexual fantasies are bad and unhealthy.
Sexual fantasies are completely safe and normal and a healthy part of your sexuality and sexual motivation. Your sexual motivation requires more than hormones, it requires external and internal stimuli which involves both images and stories. So, if you are thinking about your to-do list (internal stimuli) while having sex, you probably won’t be aroused. Sexual fantasies can heighten your sexual arousal and overall sexual pleasure.
How to Talk to Your Partner about Sexual Fantasies and Role Playing
Sharing fantasies with your partner reveals a part of you that no one else gets to see; it’s a very intimate experience and you must feel comfortable with your partner to be able to express them. Here are some steps to help you get started:
1. Figure Out Your Reasons for Sharing –
Do you want to share to learn about each other’s inner sexual worlds? Does simply sharing your fantasies turn you on? Are you looking to fulfill your fantasy or certain parts of it with your partner in role playing? Which ones will you share and which will you keep to yourself. Be clear about what you want before you have a talk with your partner.
2. Make it the Right Time and Place –
When you want to talk about anything related to sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids running around the house. You won’t have time to talk. Use your quiet, private time together for this conversation. We suggest having the conversation outside of the bedroom.
3. Establish Rules and Boundaries –
Share each other’s motivation and reasons for sharing sexual fantasies. Discuss what you will share and what you won’t before you get started. For example, some couples feel safer only sharing fantasies about fictitious people. Fantasies about someone you and/or your partner know can be difficult for your partner to handle, as they may feel insecure about you acting on those fantasies. Therefore, we suggest keeping fantasies about your partner’s relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. “off limits”. We also suggest making an agreement with each other not to share the details of each other’s fantasies with anyone else, especially friends and family, etc.
4. Establish a Dialogue –
Bringing up this topic can be tricky. Remember to take it slow with your partner. Your partner may have lots of negative assumptions about sexual fantasies. Start by letting your partner know how much you enjoy them in bed and you are simply interested in spicing up your relationship. It may help to start the conversation by talking about sexy scenes in movies. You can discuss your thoughts and feelings about the scenes. When you both feel more comfortable, then you can start sharing your fantasies.
5. Listen without Judgment –
Unfortunately, it’s not enough to be able to talk openly — you have to be able to listen without judgment. Upon hearing your partner express a sexual fantasy that’s out of your comfort zone, it’s generally not good to react with, “That’s gross! You’re a pervert! No way am I going to do that!” Instead, take a deep breath and remind yourself that a fantasy is just a fantasy and that it doesn’t mean your partner wants to explore it in real life. And sexual fantasies are not always literal. They are often symbolic, so explore the meaning of the fantasy with your partner. Remember, if you react judgmentally when your partner is opening up to you, all you are really doing is conditioning your partner to close up and keep these things from you.
6. Make it a Win/Win-
When couples act out each other’s sexual fantasies, they gain a better understanding of each other’s sexual desires and they keep their sexual relationship new and exciting. Sexual fantasies can range from being cute and romantic to being spanked or even tortured. Role Playing is defined as a situation in which one acts out or assumes a particular character or role. So, if your partner wants to role play a romantic sexual fantasy, that may be okay with you. However, if your partner has a sexual fantasy that you’re uncomfortable with or that’s not safe for your relationship to do in real life (i.e. like a threesome), try not to immediately say “no”. Instead, make a counter offer. Maybe suggest ways to act out certain parts of the fantasy instead of the whole fantasy. Or suggest another fantasy that you find arousing that also has similar elements of your partner’s fantasy. Be willing and open to compromise. If you have difficulty compromising or if you get stuck, get help from a Sexologist or Sex Therapist in your area.
7. Have Fun and Play!
Stop taking yourself so serious. Remember, you are not playing a role to win an Oscar! If you’re not comfortable with the idea of improvising and role playing your partner’s sexual fantasy, then start by watching a steamy movie together and acting out some of the best scenes as the characters in the movie. This may help you get more comfortable playing roles. Once you’re comfortable, you will be ready to improvise some roles and characters. Sometimes having a costume or props will help you get into character. Continue to play so you both will feel comfortable role playing.
Common Sexual Fantasies and Role Plays
The types of sexual fantasies that people have varies greatly. Some people fantasize about having sex with more than one person, being forced to have sex, having sex with someone of the same sex, or even watching or being watched having sex. Some fantasize about being held and desired while others fantasize about being dominated, spanked, humiliated or even tortured. Some people fantasize about celebrities, strangers, past lovers, people in uniforms and yes, even animals or other creatures. However, the most common sexual fantasy involves doing lot’s of fun sexual acts with your partner which can lead to some fun role plays!
When people hear about role plays, they may automatically think of a French maid and her boss, police officer and burglar, teacher and student, photographer and model, doctor and nurse, or stripper and client. However, role plays can also be a situation from the past, the first time you met or adventures from your favorite movie or book. Some couple’s participate in role reversal. If one partner is typically more dominant and the other submissive, they can switch during role playing.
Just a Few Role Playing Safety Tips:
• Create a safe word to stop the play for any reason. Agree that the play will end immediately when that word is used.
• No laughing at your partner for something they do or say. However, it’s okay to laugh at something together.
• Avoid judgment and say no without hurting or putting your partner down.
• Agree to only do things that you both are comfortable with.
• Remember to make it safe and consensual!
This month, as CalExotics Expert Sexperts, we were sent another great product to review. Just a reminder, each product is rated, by our testers (2 couples), using The Love Bird’s Feathers Rating Scale™:
1
= “Not so hot” to
5 = “VERY, VERY HOT!”
“The hotter the product is, the more feathers it will take to cool you off!”
The new product we received is called the Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover™ game. You can definitely fire up your relationship in ways you never thought possible with this game! This game is a beginner’s guide to safe and playful “tie and tease” lovemaking.
Many couples are curious about mild bondage especially ever since the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, became popular. The Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover™ game introduces you to that world. It’s a game designed for 2 consenting adult players and includes a pair of dice, rope tie, satin blindfold, deck of 50 “tie and tease” cards, a feather tickler and a rule booklet that give you tips for satisfying play.
The object of the Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover™ game “is to accumulate 1 or more sexy or erotic tasks from the deck of fifty and then happily work your way through them in a ‘tie and tease’ lovemaking session.” The first person to reach 50 points wins the right to draw one of 50 wicked ‘tie and tease’ cards. Each “tie and tease” card is a reward that includes erotic use of one or more of the props (rope, blindfold, or feather). You might draw something like: “Blindfold and bind your lover. Using just your mouth and tongue, give them the best oral sex you can imagine.” Or you might get fantasies like mutual masturbation, receiving oral with hands bound, having to stay silent while your lover stimulates you, and so much more!
Now we really like that the rule booklet also discusses getting in the right mindset, the importance of trust, some reasons people are attracted to bondage and of course, some safety rules including having a safe word before you start the game. It also suggests the option of bringing in some of your own props such as vibrators, flavored lubes, etc. The rule booklet states, “Let your hair down! Be Creative! Experiment! Be open to new and exciting sexual adventures. Be safe! Make Love! And most of all: Have fun!” We could not agree more! This fun and kinky game only ends when you’re both satisfied.
We found the price of the Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover™ game online for around $20.00. So, how did our testers rate the Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover™ game? Watch the video below to find out!
*** FTC Disclosure: We are paid CalExotics’ Expert Sexperts. However, we received three of the products mentioned above free from CalExotics. We then give our two tester couples the products for free in exchange for their honest reviews. The reviews of the products are based on the personal opinions of the two tester couples that reviewed the products for free. We will never misrepresent products or publish a false review. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s Guidelines, CFR, Part 255.
Pillow Talk™ Card Game
This month, as CalExotics Expert Sexperts, we were sent another great product to review. Just a reminder, each product is rated, by our testers (2 couples), using The Love Bird’s Feathers Rating Scale™:
1
= “Not so hot” to5
= “VERY, VERY HOT!”“The hotter the product is, the more feathers it will take to cool you off!”
The new product we received is called the Pillow Talk™ Card Game. Looking to have more intimate conversations with your partner? Are you stuck in a sexual rut? Here’s a fun game that will set the scene and get the foreplay started! Ignite your sex life with this sexy and simple game of loving communication. The Pillow Talk™ card game includes 2 decks of cards and a rule book. The Pillow Talk™ playing cards are a standard 52 card deck and the other deck is called the Let’s Pillow Talk which are the reward cards. Some of the reward cards are cards to get you talking to your partner, some are to give you fun sexual actions to perform.
The object of the Pillow Talk™ card game is to help encourage you and your partner open up to each other about your sexual needs, wants and desires in a fun and non-threatening way. “If you feel like your once hot and steamy love life has cooled down or hit a wall, now is the time to rekindle the fire!” The good news is there is really little skill required to play this game! It gives you both a chance to experiment and figure out what you both want from your sex life.
The rule book is very easy to follow and, like previously stated, the game is very simple to play. It states in the rule book that the game should never really end and to think of this game as “mental foreplay” for getting physically excited. Pillow Talk™ is merely the starting point for some possibly life-changing sexual encounters for you and your partner. So, make a little time for some Pillow Talk™!
We found the price of the Pillow Talk™ card game online for under $10.00. So, how did our testers rate the Pillow Talk™ card game? Watch the video below to find out!
*** FTC Disclosure: We are paid CalExotics’ Expert Sexperts. However, we received three of the products mentioned above free from CalExotics. We then give our two tester couples the products for free in exchange for their honest reviews. The reviews of the products are based on the personal opinions of the two tester couples that reviewed the products for free. We will never misrepresent products or publish a false review. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s Guidelines, CFR, Part 255.
This afternoon, we had the pleasure of being guests on Club CalExotic’s new radio show, On Air with Club CalExotics, hosted by Sheena Metal. We discussed sex toys and also answered many questions from callers. We also discussed our list of the Top Ten Sex Toys for Couples.
In case you missed it, you can listen to the replay this weekend, just check http://www.siriusxm.com/vividradio for the On Air with Club CalExotics schedule.
Just to recap, here is our list of the Top 10 Sex Toys for Couples (in no particular order) including some of our review videos:
1. Dr. Laura Berman’s Shades of Purple Playroom Kit
This BDSM style kit includes a mask (to heighten your other senses), a pair of cuffs (to help with submissiveness), a feather tickler (to awaken your sense of touch), and weighted orgasm balls (to help you strengthen your PC muscles and give you lots of pleasure). This kit can definitely provide a variety of erotic and sensual experiences for you and your partner! The pleasure aids can also be used as props to help you duplicate a scene from a shared fantasy or steamy novel!
2. Platinum Edition Butterfly Kiss
Not only is this a best seller, but it received 5 FEATHERS (very, very hot!) on The Love Bird’s Feathers Rating Scale™! This means it will take all 5 feathers to cool you and your partner off after using this toy! This is a dual stimulation vibrator that provides lots of clitoral stimulation while also providing g-erogenous zone stimulation. It also has 9 intense functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation. We like this vibrator because your partner can wield it and determine the best ways to stimulate you, so he or she can feel more involved!
3. Tantric 10 Function Namaste Massager
Don’t let the small size of this vibrator fool you…it’s quite powerful and has 10 functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation! It’s great for clitoral stimulation and shallow vaginal penetration. If your partner is a man, you can use it on his penis and scrotum to give him some extra pleasure as well!
4. Inked Glass Probe
We absolutely LOVE glass sex toys! This glass dildo is smooth and seamless and made of 100% hand blown glass. It’s body-safe and non-porous (meaning it won’t absorb any fluids), and it’s very easy to clean. We like this toy for couples because it’s great for temperature play (a form of sensation play involving the creation of hot or cold sensations). Instead of needing wax candles and ice cubes, you can warm up this toy or chill it for lots of fun with your partner!
5. Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover
You can definitely fire up your relationship in ways you never thought possible with this game! This game is a beginner’s guide to safe and playful “tie and tease” lovemaking. This game includes a pair of dice, rope, mask, deck of cards, feather and rule booklet. It’s a great way to introduce you and your partner to soft BDSM play.
6. Embrace Lover’s Remote
This is a great toy for couples because it has a vibrating stimulator and a vibrating remote control that can be used together or separately. Yes, both vibrate! Your partner can use the remote control to tease and excite you or you can use the remote control as a panty teaser! It’s also waterproof which can provide lots of fun for you both in or out of the shower!
7. Remote Control 10 Function Little Black Panty
Ladies, this is “the perfect accessory for your little black dress”. It’s a black lace panty that comes with a powerful vibrating bullet! The bullet has 10 incredible functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation. All you have to do is wear this vibrating panty and give your partner the remote control…enough said!!
8. Nick Hawk Gigolo Hawk Enhancer
This is a penis ring that can be used to enhance your erection but also has pleasure ticklers for stimulation for you and your partner. Plus, putting this penis jewelry on can be part of the foreplay!
9. Entice Adelle
This is a great penis ring that be used to enhance your erection but also has a vibrating stimulator that has 7 powerful functions of vibration, pulsation and escalation. It has stimulating nodules that can provide great clitoral stimulation. The Adelle has a remote control which means you or your partner can take control of the different stimulations!
10. Nick Hawk Gigolo Sexual Positions Book
This is obviously not a sex toy but it is a great book for couples because it offers over 60 sexual positions. It is also very visually stimulating! It gives you and your partner ideas on ways to change things up beyond the missionary position.