Did you know that Random Acts of Kindness Week started on February 14th? So, why not do some random acts of kindness for your partner? However, we certainly hope that you are showing random acts of kindness to your partner all year long…not just this week. To help you get started, here are 13 kindness ideas to do for your partner this week (and of course, all year long!):
1. Write your partner love notes and hide them around the house (of course, where you know they will find them).
2. Give your partner lots of hugs and kisses when they first wake up, when they get home, and before they go to sleep.
3. Tell your partner the many reasons why you love and appreciate them.
4. Write your partner a love letter or poem.
5. Do one of your partner’s chores.
6. Cook your partner their favorite meal (and serve it to him/her naked or in sexy lingerie).
7. Show gratitude often by saying, “Thank You”.
8. Pay attention and really listen to your partner.
9. Put your phone away when spending time with your partner.
10. Send your partner flirty and loving text messages often.
11. Give your partner thoughtful compliments.
12. Give your partner a sensual or erotic massage.
13. Plan a surprise “pleasure event” for your partner. For example, how about surprising your partner with a bubble bath with rose petals, candles, soft music, and a glass of wine?
Stress is a person’s physical and psychological reactions to life’s demands and challenges. It’s a natural part of life and it can be both positive and negative. Eustress is the positive stress we might experience when we plan a wedding or have a baby. Distress is the negative stress we might feel when we lose a job or end a relationship. Regardless of the type we experience, stress can trigger our “fight or flight” response. If not managed in healthy ways, stress can negatively affect our sleep, weight, mood, immune system and sexual desire.
Some healthy ways to managing stress include meditation, deep breathing, yoga, exercise, etc. But you might not know that sex can also be a healthy way to manage your stress. So, in honor of Stress Awareness Month, here are some ways sex can be a great stress reliever:
- Deep breathing – When you are having sex, you are definitely breathing deeper. Deep breathing can trigger the relaxation response and help lower stress in your body.
- Mindfulness – Mindfulness means focusing one’s awareness on the present moment and attending to certain body parts and responses (including thoughts and feelings), without judgment. Mindfulness is not only relaxing, it also reduces anxiety and stress. Practicing mindful sex, focusing fully on the pleasurable sexual sensations in your body, can provide the same stress reducing effect.
- Relaxation – After having an orgasm, a warm wave of relaxation spreads over your body. Stress and tension are gone…enough said!
- Touch – Sexual touch from a lover is not only arousing, but can also be incredibly soothing, healing and stress relieving.
- Exercise– Depending on how intense the sexual activity is, sex could be considered a form of exercise. Not only does it provide some cardio, sex tends to work a variety of different muscle groups, which can help work out tension and decrease stress. Sex also releases endorphins which also helps reduce stress.
- Emotional Intimacy – Sexual contact, especially when it results in orgasms, releases a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” It helps people feel closer and more intimate, and helps solidify the bonds of a romantic relationship.
- Recreation – Engaging in recreational activities that are fun and entertaining can help reduce stress. Remember that sex can and should be fun. It’s something you do together for each other’s enjoyment and fulfillment. So have some fun and reduce your stress!
Having date nights when you’re married is really important. We have been married for 16 years now and we still make it a priority to spend that much needed quality time together. Date nights give you the chance to focus on each other without other distractions. They help you have fun and enjoy each other while also keeping you emotionally connected. Below are just a few of our suggestions when it comes to dating when you’re married:
Do’s
- Do things you used to enjoy doing together. When you’ve been together a long time, it’s very easy to get stuck in routines. We sometimes forget the fun things we used to do. Try remembering back to your first dates. What did you do and where did you go? Try to incorporate those ideas into your dates now.
- Do “COURT” each other! We know this is an old term. Courting means to try to gain the love or affections or gain the favor of your partner by attention or flattery. When you were first dating, what were you trying to do? Hopefully, one of your goals was to get another date. Use this strategy because you want another date with your partner!
- Do talk to each other and update your love maps. A love map is the “part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about our partner’s life” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 48). For example, one piece of information you might know is your partner’s favorite flower. We learn these things about our partner over the years, but we sometimes assume this information never changes. However, what your partner liked 5, 10, or 20 years ago may not be the same today. Knowing and understanding each other is really important and helps you maintain your connection. So keep talking and sharing with each other so you can update each other’s love maps.
- Do new and novel things together. Pick something that you both would like, but have never done before. For example, it could be as wild as skydiving to as simple as taking a cooking class together. Remember, novelty creates positive energy and excitement!
- Do put away your cell phones. This is time for you to focus on each other! Enough said.
Don’ts
- Don’t go to the same restaurants and places you normally go. This can create a routine and can lead to you getting stuck in a rut.
- Don’t just go to the movies or watch TV. We don’t consider these date night activities. When you do these activities you are focused on the screen, not each other. Remember, close proximity does not equal quality time!
- Don’t talk about problems with work, the children or in your relationship on your date nights. Don’t get us wrong, these are very important things that you want to discuss…just not on date nights. Remember, you are trying to connect and have fun together!
- Don’t have to spend a lot of money. There are many things you can do for a date night that are free or cost little money. How about taking a bike ride, having a romantic picnic at a local park or watching the sunset together?
We hope these dating suggestions help. As always, wishing you deeper connection and passion in your relationship!
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York, New York: Three Rivers Press.
Many couples come to see us because their sex life has become very routine and they desperately want to find ways to spice things up in the bedroom. In addition to recommending sex toys and pleasure products, we also suggest they discuss and explore sexual fantasies and role playing. Unfortunately, this suggestion usually triggers the “deer in the headlight” type of stares or uncomfortable laughter. Often this response is due to the negative assumptions they have about sexual fantasies and role playing. And sometimes it’s due to a lack of information and not knowing where to start. We understand that for many people just the idea of sharing their sexual fantasies with their partner can evoke lots of fears and insecurities.
However, sexual fantasies and role playing can add more fun and playfulness in the bedroom as well as help you break out of your sexual rut. We know that talking about sex, let alone sexual fantasies, is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort. So to help you begin this process, we address some of the myths we’ve heard over the years about sexual fantasies and provide some steps to help you talk openly with your partner about sexual fantasies and role playing. We have also included some common sexual fantasies and role plays as well as offer some role playing safety tips.
Sexual Fantasy Myths:
• If you fantasize about something, you will want to make it happen in real life.
Research shows people fantasize about all kinds of things they would never do in real life. For example, some people fantasize about being forced to have sex or having a homosexual encounter, but would never actually want these scenarios to actually take place, even if the situations presented themselves. Sexual fantasies allow people to mentally experiment with out-of-character sexual behaviors without any guilt or risk of harm.
• Sharing our sexual fantasies with your partner is dangerous to your relationship.
Many couples enjoy sharing their sexual fantasies without any problems. However, it is important to first establish safety, rules and boundaries with your partner before sharing your sexual fantasies with each other. It’s also important to know what’s okay and not okay to share.
• Sexual fantasies are bad and unhealthy.
Sexual fantasies are completely safe and normal and a healthy part of your sexuality and sexual motivation. Your sexual motivation requires more than hormones, it requires external and internal stimuli which involves both images and stories. So, if you are thinking about your to-do list (internal stimuli) while having sex, you probably won’t be aroused. Sexual fantasies can heighten your sexual arousal and overall sexual pleasure.
How to Talk to Your Partner about Sexual Fantasies and Role Playing
Sharing fantasies with your partner reveals a part of you that no one else gets to see; it’s a very intimate experience and you must feel comfortable with your partner to be able to express them. Here are some steps to help you get started:
1. Figure Out Your Reasons for Sharing –
Do you want to share to learn about each other’s inner sexual worlds? Does simply sharing your fantasies turn you on? Are you looking to fulfill your fantasy or certain parts of it with your partner in role playing? Which ones will you share and which will you keep to yourself. Be clear about what you want before you have a talk with your partner.
2. Make it the Right Time and Place –
When you want to talk about anything related to sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids running around the house. You won’t have time to talk. Use your quiet, private time together for this conversation. We suggest having the conversation outside of the bedroom.
3. Establish Rules and Boundaries –
Share each other’s motivation and reasons for sharing sexual fantasies. Discuss what you will share and what you won’t before you get started. For example, some couples feel safer only sharing fantasies about fictitious people. Fantasies about someone you and/or your partner know can be difficult for your partner to handle, as they may feel insecure about you acting on those fantasies. Therefore, we suggest keeping fantasies about your partner’s relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. “off limits”. We also suggest making an agreement with each other not to share the details of each other’s fantasies with anyone else, especially friends and family, etc.
4. Establish a Dialogue –
Bringing up this topic can be tricky. Remember to take it slow with your partner. Your partner may have lots of negative assumptions about sexual fantasies. Start by letting your partner know how much you enjoy them in bed and you are simply interested in spicing up your relationship. It may help to start the conversation by talking about sexy scenes in movies. You can discuss your thoughts and feelings about the scenes. When you both feel more comfortable, then you can start sharing your fantasies.
5. Listen without Judgment –
Unfortunately, it’s not enough to be able to talk openly — you have to be able to listen without judgment. Upon hearing your partner express a sexual fantasy that’s out of your comfort zone, it’s generally not good to react with, “That’s gross! You’re a pervert! No way am I going to do that!” Instead, take a deep breath and remind yourself that a fantasy is just a fantasy and that it doesn’t mean your partner wants to explore it in real life. And sexual fantasies are not always literal. They are often symbolic, so explore the meaning of the fantasy with your partner. Remember, if you react judgmentally when your partner is opening up to you, all you are really doing is conditioning your partner to close up and keep these things from you.
6. Make it a Win/Win-
When couples act out each other’s sexual fantasies, they gain a better understanding of each other’s sexual desires and they keep their sexual relationship new and exciting. Sexual fantasies can range from being cute and romantic to being spanked or even tortured. Role Playing is defined as a situation in which one acts out or assumes a particular character or role. So, if your partner wants to role play a romantic sexual fantasy, that may be okay with you. However, if your partner has a sexual fantasy that you’re uncomfortable with or that’s not safe for your relationship to do in real life (i.e. like a threesome), try not to immediately say “no”. Instead, make a counter offer. Maybe suggest ways to act out certain parts of the fantasy instead of the whole fantasy. Or suggest another fantasy that you find arousing that also has similar elements of your partner’s fantasy. Be willing and open to compromise. If you have difficulty compromising or if you get stuck, get help from a Sexologist or Sex Therapist in your area.
7. Have Fun and Play!
Stop taking yourself so serious. Remember, you are not playing a role to win an Oscar! If you’re not comfortable with the idea of improvising and role playing your partner’s sexual fantasy, then start by watching a steamy movie together and acting out some of the best scenes as the characters in the movie. This may help you get more comfortable playing roles. Once you’re comfortable, you will be ready to improvise some roles and characters. Sometimes having a costume or props will help you get into character. Continue to play so you both will feel comfortable role playing.
Common Sexual Fantasies and Role Plays
The types of sexual fantasies that people have varies greatly. Some people fantasize about having sex with more than one person, being forced to have sex, having sex with someone of the same sex, or even watching or being watched having sex. Some fantasize about being held and desired while others fantasize about being dominated, spanked, humiliated or even tortured. Some people fantasize about celebrities, strangers, past lovers, people in uniforms and yes, even animals or other creatures. However, the most common sexual fantasy involves doing lot’s of fun sexual acts with your partner which can lead to some fun role plays!
When people hear about role plays, they may automatically think of a French maid and her boss, police officer and burglar, teacher and student, photographer and model, doctor and nurse, or stripper and client. However, role plays can also be a situation from the past, the first time you met or adventures from your favorite movie or book. Some couple’s participate in role reversal. If one partner is typically more dominant and the other submissive, they can switch during role playing.
Just a Few Role Playing Safety Tips:
• Create a safe word to stop the play for any reason. Agree that the play will end immediately when that word is used.
• No laughing at your partner for something they do or say. However, it’s okay to laugh at something together.
• Avoid judgment and say no without hurting or putting your partner down.
• Agree to only do things that you both are comfortable with.
• Remember to make it safe and consensual!
This afternoon, we had the pleasure of being guests on Club CalExotic’s new radio show, On Air with Club CalExotics, hosted by Sheena Metal. We discussed sex toys and also answered many questions from callers. We also discussed our list of the Top Ten Sex Toys for Couples.
In case you missed it, you can listen to the replay this weekend, just check http://www.siriusxm.com/vividradio for the On Air with Club CalExotics schedule.
Just to recap, here is our list of the Top 10 Sex Toys for Couples (in no particular order) including some of our review videos:
1. Dr. Laura Berman’s Shades of Purple Playroom Kit
This BDSM style kit includes a mask (to heighten your other senses), a pair of cuffs (to help with submissiveness), a feather tickler (to awaken your sense of touch), and weighted orgasm balls (to help you strengthen your PC muscles and give you lots of pleasure). This kit can definitely provide a variety of erotic and sensual experiences for you and your partner! The pleasure aids can also be used as props to help you duplicate a scene from a shared fantasy or steamy novel!
2. Platinum Edition Butterfly Kiss
Not only is this a best seller, but it received 5 FEATHERS (very, very hot!) on The Love Bird’s Feathers Rating Scale™! This means it will take all 5 feathers to cool you and your partner off after using this toy! This is a dual stimulation vibrator that provides lots of clitoral stimulation while also providing g-erogenous zone stimulation. It also has 9 intense functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation. We like this vibrator because your partner can wield it and determine the best ways to stimulate you, so he or she can feel more involved!
3. Tantric 10 Function Namaste Massager
Don’t let the small size of this vibrator fool you…it’s quite powerful and has 10 functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation! It’s great for clitoral stimulation and shallow vaginal penetration. If your partner is a man, you can use it on his penis and scrotum to give him some extra pleasure as well!
4. Inked Glass Probe
We absolutely LOVE glass sex toys! This glass dildo is smooth and seamless and made of 100% hand blown glass. It’s body-safe and non-porous (meaning it won’t absorb any fluids), and it’s very easy to clean. We like this toy for couples because it’s great for temperature play (a form of sensation play involving the creation of hot or cold sensations). Instead of needing wax candles and ice cubes, you can warm up this toy or chill it for lots of fun with your partner!
5. Fifty Ways to Tease Your Lover
You can definitely fire up your relationship in ways you never thought possible with this game! This game is a beginner’s guide to safe and playful “tie and tease” lovemaking. This game includes a pair of dice, rope, mask, deck of cards, feather and rule booklet. It’s a great way to introduce you and your partner to soft BDSM play.
6. Embrace Lover’s Remote
This is a great toy for couples because it has a vibrating stimulator and a vibrating remote control that can be used together or separately. Yes, both vibrate! Your partner can use the remote control to tease and excite you or you can use the remote control as a panty teaser! It’s also waterproof which can provide lots of fun for you both in or out of the shower!
7. Remote Control 10 Function Little Black Panty
Ladies, this is “the perfect accessory for your little black dress”. It’s a black lace panty that comes with a powerful vibrating bullet! The bullet has 10 incredible functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation. All you have to do is wear this vibrating panty and give your partner the remote control…enough said!!
8. Nick Hawk Gigolo Hawk Enhancer
This is a penis ring that can be used to enhance your erection but also has pleasure ticklers for stimulation for you and your partner. Plus, putting this penis jewelry on can be part of the foreplay!
9. Entice Adelle
This is a great penis ring that be used to enhance your erection but also has a vibrating stimulator that has 7 powerful functions of vibration, pulsation and escalation. It has stimulating nodules that can provide great clitoral stimulation. The Adelle has a remote control which means you or your partner can take control of the different stimulations!
10. Nick Hawk Gigolo Sexual Positions Book
This is obviously not a sex toy but it is a great book for couples because it offers over 60 sexual positions. It is also very visually stimulating! It gives you and your partner ideas on ways to change things up beyond the missionary position.
Spring is a rejuvenating season, a time for new beginnings. This is also a time when we start our spring cleaning activities. These are traditional activities of cleaning up and organizing areas of our life after the long winter season. We typically focus on spring cleaning our house, vehicles, office spaces, yard, etc. However, we tend to forget one very important area of our life…our relationship.
In these busy times, it is very easy to neglect our relationship and take our partner for granted. Thus, instead of making spring cleaning of your house a priority, take some time to focus on your partner and nurture the connection and passion in your relationship. Remember the saying, “Where the attention goes, the energy flows”. Why wait any longer…today is a great day to start putting more energy in your relationship!
Here’s a good way to start:
1. First, take a few minutes to complete our Love Quiz. This will help you identify the areas of your relationship that need more attention.
2. Next, sit down together and discuss your relationship results. It’s very important to be honest with each other. Also, discuss your “vision” of each area (what you would like to see)
3. Then, pick the areas of your relationship you want to focus on first and decide on a plan of action.
4. Finally, implement your plan of action. Remember, you’re a team! Thus, you need to work on these areas together. Also, change is sometimes difficult, so it’s important to support and reward each other.
Don’t forget to check out our recommended resources on our website. You will find many books, videos, and products that can assist you with enhancing your relationship And always, if you want help with this process, please feel free to contact us. We would love to assist you on your journey!
Valentine’s Day is coming up and love is definitely in the air! Hopefully, it’s in the air all year long! We aren’t opposed to Valentine’s Day but we certainly hope that you are showing your partner love every day…not just when the stores and advertisements say you should. We recommend you get started now, instead of waiting until the 14th. Here are some tips that can show your partner that love is indeed in the air:
- Know your partner’s love language. If you don’t know it or know what we are talking about, then we recommend the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman explains that there are five love languages or ways to show love: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. Problems can occur when we show our partner love in one language (i.e. buying her flowers) but he/she speaks another love language (i.e. wanting to spend quality time with you instead). That’s when we end up hearing one partner say things like, “He doesn’t love me at all! He is always working…he must love work more than me!” And the other partner says, “I DO love you!! Why do you think I work so much! I do it all for you!”
- Start secretly showing love for your partner in small ways every single day using their love language. Have fun trying to think of new ways to express your love. For some ideas, see # 3.
- Remember, expressing love for your partner does not have to cost money! Write your partner love notes and hide them (of course, where you know they will find them!). Give your partner lots of hugs and kisses when they first wake up, when they get home, and before they go to sleep. Tell your partner the many reasons why you love them. Write them a love letter or poem. Do one of their chores each day… just because, etc.
- Plan a surprise “pleasure event” every week for your partner. For example, how about surprising your partner with a bubble bath with rose petals sprinkled on top, candles, soft music, and a glass of wine? Or maybe cooking a nice dinner for your partner and serving it to him/her naked or in sexy lingerie? Plan a romantic picnic on the living room floor while listening to your special love songs or reading erotic stories to each other. How about surprising your partner by trying something new sexually (i.e. a new toy, a new position or a new sexual fantasy character, etc.)?
- Remember to be thankful for your partner every day. And don’t forget to let them know it!
As always, wishing you more connection and much love!
With the recent debut of Showtime’s new docu-series, POLYAMORY: MARRIED AND DATING, which explores alternative relationship structures such as consensual non-monogamy, we’ve been getting a lot of questions about the nature of polyamory. Polyamory is practiced by couples who believe that they can also have deep, committed, long-term and loving relationships with people other than their spouse or partner.
Our fear is that a lot of people will see the TV show — and much like the country’s reaction to the book 50 Shades of Grey — immediately dive into “trying out” poly in their own relationships.
Keep in mind that bringing new people into your currently monogamous relationship IS NOT the same as reading 50 Shades and deciding to try a few kinky games with your partner. Polyamory is not something people can try, like taking golf lessons. Poly partners are people, not golf clubs you can sell at a garage sale if you figure out you’re no good at it. Our advice for couples who watch the TV show and find themselves intrigued by the concept of consensual non-monogamy is to NOT try this at home — not until you’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of talking.
First, understand the basics. Polyamory is a relationship model in which one or both partners in a relationship are consensually non-monogamous, meaning they can date — and yes, even have sex — with others. Of course, this typically begs the question, “Well, isn’t that just like swinging or going to wife-swap sex parties?” No, not at all, actually. What we’ve discovered is that whenever people who are new to the idea of poly first encounter the topic, the first thing they focus on is the idea of having sex with new partners. The thing that blows their minds is when we tell them that poly doesn’t even have to involve sex. It can, but it does not have to, because poly is about love first and foremost. But the one thing that can be said without backpedaling is that poly is not for everyone. Determining if it’s for you is where things can get dicey, because there is no test you can take that will tell you if poly is right for you.
Polyamory, like any relationship model, has its success stories and its horror stories. In the world of monogamy, roughly 50 percent of all new marriages fail, according to recent studies. Gay marriages haven’t been well enough defined or documented for any kind of definitive study about their rate of longevity, either. So, our view is that people are what make a relationship — from any model — good or bad. But choosing which way you want to go has a lot to do with how certain elements of relationships make you feel.
So, short of being able to give you a guide to determining if poly is right for you, here are some things to think about before you put up a profile on an alternative lifestyle dating service.
Jealousy — Are you the jealous type? Does your blood boil when you see your partner paying attention to someone in a flirtatious manner? Does imagining your partner with someone else make you absent-mindedly wander the ammo aisle at Walmart? If so, poly may be a bit of a longshot for you.
Insecurity — Are you afraid that your partner will leave you for someone else “better” than you? Do you sometimes have feelings that you don’t deserve your partner, or that he or she could easily do better? When you are home alone, are you afraid that your partner is spending time with someone else behind your back? Chances are that you should not only leave the idea of poly on the backburner, but you and your partner should also seek help to deal with those feelings of insecurity. Insecurity is a threat to maintaining a stable monogamous relationship, but it is a nuclear bomb that can devastate a poly relationship.
Time — Are you busy? We mean, really busy? Three jobs, soccer parents, caregivers and Red Cross volunteers kind of busy? While you might have the right mindset and heart to open yourself and your relationship to poly, you may not have the time. Remember, poly is about new relationships, not just hook-ups, and any relationship worth pursuing is worth the time to properly dedicate to it. If you are a couple who barely have time for each other, then poly might not be the best bet for you until you can open up the calendar.
Please keep in mind that the TV camera can only focus on one thing at a time. Something as complex as polyamory needs a wider lens than TV can offer, and serious consideration before it can be engaged by serious adults.