Chuck & Jo-Ann Bird » Blog

22 Aug 2012

lies, termites of relationships

We all do it. According to some scientific surveys — and some studies pioneered by psychologist Paul Ekman, an innovator in the study of the relationship between people’s emotions and their facial expressions — most people will tell an average of three lies in a typical 10-minute conversation.

We like to categorize them, so we can rationalize them. Little white lies, the ones we tell our parents when we don’t want to visit them or the ones we tell our bosses when we want to play hooky, are the most common ones. Sure, honey, I got the oil changed — then you get up early the next morning and get it done. These lies are every day lies, and whenever we tell them, we usually end up working a little harder than we need to in order to keep them under wraps.

Then there are the big lies, the nuclear lies, that we take more seriously. For couples, these lies are usually about affairs, past sexual partners or even medical conditions. These are the kinds of lies that can end a relationship.

But why do we do it? Why is it that so many of us seem to have a reasonably casual relationship with the truth?

In our experience, the primary culprit seems to be self-esteem. We want our partners to have a positive image of us, so when we are challenged on something that might make us seem less than perfect — like forgetting to get the oil changed in the car — we lie about it to maintain a better image for ourselves. That’s why we many times won’t think twice about deceiving our partners, because we feel it is important to our relationships to maintain that facade. The greater the threat to our self-esteem, the greater the lies. The things we hide can become more dramatic — they could include the ex-girlfriend who was a drug addict or the former boyfriend who was abusive.

We also lie out of convenience, because we may not want to go 10 rounds over forgetting to get the oil changed. The purpose is to maintain order in our personal lives by avoiding smaller conflicts whose impact might be to simply ruin an evening. It also helps us avoid insults and discord, but the real issue is not the lie, but why there would be insults or discord as a result of simply telling the truth.

This is where we get into the yin and the yang of lies, because while we can all nod our heads and agree in concept that dishonesty is bad, we also have to recognize our own behaviors that may actually wind up training our partners to lie to us.

When faced with an unpleasant truth, do we react angrily? Worse, do we react violently? Is our automatic default position to head for negativity when an unpleasant truth is offered up by our partners?

If we do, we may very well be TRAINING our partner to lie to us, because we are not recognizing the concept that it takes courage to tell a partner an unpleasant truth and that courage should be rewarded. Instead of rewarding them, we may instead find ourselves punishing them by our negative reactions.

So before telling the small lies, ask yourself what you’re really getting in return for the effort. Would the truth really be that bad? Is the truth so horrible that it is worth the integrity of our relationships to hide it? And if the reaction from your partner is so negative that you can still justify lying, then perhaps the issue isn’t your lying, but rather, the fabric of your relationship itself.

Lies can be the termites of relationships because they eat away at them from the inside, quietly and barely detectable. Anger, however, is the dynamite of relationships that will always inevitably lead to a devastating explosion that can lead to irreparable damage.

So, look at your behavior, look at your partner’s behavior and understand why you lie before you do it. Maybe you don’t have to, because there is no crime in being human and flawed. We all are. The truth shouldn’t be so hard to take that we should allow the lies we use to cover it up to destroy the love we worked so hard to build.

And for Pete’s sake, change the damn oil. You don’t want the car to break down on the way home from work, do you?

Toys Aren’t Just for Kids – Why Adults Should Explore Toys in Their Love Lives

15 Aug 2012

novelty and newness, sex toy myths, Sex Toys

We love going to Toys R Us and of the toy stores, because the displays are just amazingly vibrant — all the counters and walls are draped with these bright, blazing primary colors with packages designed to capture the eye and hold your attention.

For us, it’s also fun going to couples’ stores where adult toys are sold, because the displays are strikingly the same, awash in primary colors with a few more bright pinks, reds and purples — though the imagery is typically far from family friendly.

We’re enthused that adult toys have become more mainstream, but we also know there are a lot of people out there who are reluctant to consider the use of what used to be called “marital aids” in their bedroom repertoire. Many couples won’t even set foot in an adult video or toy store for fear of what the neighbors might say, or just a feeling that those toys are only used by swingers or people obsessed with sex.

Well, having been sexologists for nearly a decade, we have a little news for you — your neighbors have probably already been there.

Toys can be a healthy and welcome addition to a couple’s bedroom practices, but we do understand the reasons why many people haven’t yet ventured behind the curtain to see what’s out there for them. So, we’ve assembled a few of the reasons we’ve heard over the years, with a slightly more enlightened view to counter them.

Only Dirty People Use Them — There is a sense, you could even call it a mild prudishness that some couples have regarding sex toys. We attribute that to the compressed conflict that is sexuality in America. We use sex to sell cars, beer, Web site domains (thanks for the cheesecake, GoDaddy!) and even corn chips, but we are reluctant to address our own sexuality with the same openness. Sex isn’t dirty, unless, of course, thinking of it as dirty is a turn-on for you. The truth is, sex is healthy, fun and downright necessary for a strong, long-term romantic relationship. Being ashamed of enjoying sex is like being ashamed of eating to us. It’s a normal, healthy human activity when performed by consenting adults. So, if sex isn’t dirty, neither are toys used to enhance the sexual experience. If you’ve never gone to an adult toy store, the initial imagery may be a little shocking, but if you go in with an open mind, you might actually find yourself having fun before you know it.

Toys Are Only for Masturbation — Over the years, as the sexual revolution took hold, women became empowered and chose to indulge their desires with or without a partner and stop being ashamed of their own sexuality. The sale and use of vibrators and other toys skyrocketed, and these toys became associated primarily with masturbation. But that is not their only function. In point of fact, many toys are far more effective and fun when they are wielded by a partner. Now, you don’t really need to be a sexologist to figure that out. A little basic geometry is all you need. When you compare the range of angles a woman can reach using her own arm to the range of motion by a partner who is correctly positioned, it’s clear that a partner can do a lot more with those toys to help a woman receive the full benefit of whatever implements she may have in the toy bag. In fact, many toys on the market today are specifically designed to be used by a partner and are practically useless for masturbation. So, wipe away that old connotation of toys. Some games are most definitely more fun when played by two.

Toys Will Replace Me as a Partner — As a tandem of the above concern, some partners are concerned that some toys may deliver sensations and experiences that just cannot be matched by simple human to human interaction, and they fear that the toys will replace them in bed. Granted, there are some toys that are very ingenuitive these days, from swivel-headed vibrators to the Sybian (think of a sit-down vibrator run by an outboard motor), and we completely understand how they can be a little intimidating. There has been many a partner who has had to peel a woman off the ceiling after experiencing some of the more innovative devices on the market. But a toy cannot replace the sexual dynamic that two people can achieve together. The largest and most important sexual organ in the human body is the brain, and no matter the horsepower of the toy involved, they have yet to market anything with the imagination and creativity of the human mind. By joining your partner in the enjoyment of toys, you will be an inextricable part of their sexual lives and your role will be secure as long as you share your hearts and your imaginations together.

So don’t be afraid. Minds work best when they are open. And so do toys, once they are out of the box and in your bedroom.

What is Polyamory?

09 Aug 2012

monogamy, Polyamory, relationships

With the recent debut of Showtime’s new docu-series, POLYAMORY: MARRIED AND DATING, which explores alternative relationship structures such as consensual non-monogamy, we’ve been getting a lot of questions about the nature of polyamory. Polyamory is practiced by couples who believe that they can also have deep, committed, long-term and loving relationships with people other than their spouse or partner.

Our fear is that a lot of people will see the TV show — and much like the country’s reaction to the book 50 Shades of Grey — immediately dive into “trying out” poly in their own relationships.

Keep in mind that bringing new people into your currently monogamous relationship IS NOT the same as reading 50 Shades and deciding to try a few kinky games with your partner. Polyamory is not something people can try, like taking golf lessons. Poly partners are people, not golf clubs you can sell at a garage sale if you figure out you’re no good at it. Our advice for couples who watch the TV show and find themselves intrigued by the concept of consensual non-monogamy is to NOT try this at home — not until you’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of talking.

First, understand the basics. Polyamory is a relationship model in which one or both partners in a relationship are consensually non-monogamous, meaning they can date — and yes, even have sex — with others. Of course, this typically begs the question, “Well, isn’t that just like swinging or going to wife-swap sex parties?” No, not at all, actually. What we’ve discovered is that whenever people who are new to the idea of poly first encounter the topic, the first thing they focus on is the idea of having sex with new partners. The thing that blows their minds is when we tell them that poly doesn’t even have to involve sex. It can, but it does not have to, because poly is about love first and foremost. But the one thing that can be said without backpedaling is that poly is not for everyone. Determining if it’s for you is where things can get dicey, because there is no test you can take that will tell you if poly is right for you.

Polyamory, like any relationship model, has its success stories and its horror stories. In the world of monogamy, roughly 50 percent of all new marriages fail, according to recent studies. Gay marriages haven’t been well enough defined or documented for any kind of definitive study about their rate of longevity, either. So, our view is that people are what make a relationship — from any model — good or bad. But choosing which way you want to go has a lot to do with how certain elements of relationships make you feel.

So, short of being able to give you a guide to determining if poly is right for you, here are some things to think about before you put up a profile on an alternative lifestyle dating service.

Jealousy — Are you the jealous type? Does your blood boil when you see your partner paying attention to someone in a flirtatious manner? Does imagining your partner with someone else make you absent-mindedly wander the ammo aisle at Walmart? If so, poly may be a bit of a longshot for you.

Insecurity — Are you afraid that your partner will leave you for someone else “better” than you? Do you sometimes have feelings that you don’t deserve your partner, or that he or she could easily do better? When you are home alone, are you afraid that your partner is spending time with someone else behind your back? Chances are that you should not only leave the idea of poly on the backburner, but you and your partner should also seek help to deal with those feelings of insecurity. Insecurity is a threat to maintaining a stable monogamous relationship, but it is a nuclear bomb that can devastate a poly relationship.

Time — Are you busy? We mean, really busy? Three jobs, soccer parents, caregivers and Red Cross volunteers kind of busy? While you might have the right mindset and heart to open yourself and your relationship to poly, you may not have the time. Remember, poly is about new relationships, not just hook-ups, and any relationship worth pursuing is worth the time to properly dedicate to it. If you are a couple who barely have time for each other, then poly might not be the best bet for you until you can open up the calendar.

Please keep in mind that the TV camera can only focus on one thing at a time. Something as complex as polyamory needs a wider lens than TV can offer, and serious consideration before it can be engaged by serious adults.

Sex Toy Treasure Chest – July 2012

25 Jul 2012

Sex Toy Reviews

50 Shades of Grey, paddles, Sex Toy Reviews, Sex Toys, Smackers™ - Triple Kisser

5= “VERY, VERY HOT!”

“The hotter the product is, the more feathers it will take to cool you off!”

The new product we received is called the Smackers™ – Triple Kisser. It’s just perfect for you Fifty Shades of Grey fans!

This paddle is a foot long and approximately two inches wide. It’s a sturdy paddle designed for fun fetish play and light spanking.

The Triple Kisser is light weight and has a polyurethane coating. It is soft and smooth to the touch. The design is quite simple, black with three red kisses. Cleans easily with soap and water or, like we recommend, a sex toy cleaner.

The manufacturer’s suggested retail price is $11.99.

So, how did our testers rate the Smackers™ – Triple Kisser? Watch the video below to find out! Get yours now for $8.98!

How Important is Duration in Sex? New Study Says “Very”

10 Jul 2012